Month: September 2019

What Does the “e” Stand For?  I’ve written before about how the “e” in email stands for “evidence” instead of electronic and why you shouldn’t hit “send” until you are sure that you would want the Russians, your boss or a judge reading your email.

The Problem That Will Not End:  Even though I have nagged about this, many of you are still sending out emails that are embarrassing and sometimes, just plain evil.

What’s the Big Deal?  Many of the conflicts I have tried to resolve involve someone emailing a message that they shouldn’t have. For example, I was once asked to resolve an issue between a group of developers who were so conflicted, they couldn’t get the product out the door. When I met with them, I learned that they were emailing each other comments during our session, such as “Dog-breath, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard anyone say.”

In another mess, a woman accused her boss of harassment. It wasn’t harassment, but she didn’t know what else to call it. He never spoke to her, he just emailed her assignments and even did her performance review on email, even though her office was right next door.

In a third situation, an executive I worked with accidentally hit “send” to the wrong person. He meant to send it to a colleague, asking for help, but instead, routed it to the person about whom he’d just made withering comments. You can imagine how that went down.

What Should You Do?  

1)  Reserve email for facts.  Reserve email for accurate information. If you are in a conflict, walk down the hall or pick up the phone. Don’t hide behind your keyboard. If you can’t – or won’t – say it to someone’s face, leave the communication alone until you can.

2)  Recognize that most of communication is not just words.  Communication experts cite different numbers, but most believe that around 77% of communication is based on tone and body language. If I write a flip comment in an email, you may think that I’m seriously attacking you.

3)  Train your people on email etiquette.  Make sure that everyone on your team understands that email can be evil, create a permanent and unflattering record, and seriously damage relationships. Enforce your rules about waiting before they hit send.

What Do You Think? 

THE MOST COMMON ISSUE: When we conduct leadership and management sessions, the most common challenge mentioned is “communication”: communicating with employees, communicating with bosses, communicating with suppliers, and on and on.

WHO TAUGHT YOU? Most of us model the communication skills we learned in our families, our workplace culture, or (gasp!) the media. None of these may be good models.

HOW TO IMPROVE COMMUNICATION: The good news is that skillful communication can be learned and improved, just like a new computer program or a new engineering technique. What you need is three things: 1) valuing good communication; 2) taking the time to learn; and 3) practice, practice, practice.

What Should You Do?  

I’ve written many Monday Memos and other articles about improving communication. Check out:

A Surefire Way to Get People to Listen

How to Motivate Employees With Gratitude

Workplace Gossip: Should You or Shouldn’t You? A Surprising NEW Study May Have Some Answers

Here’s a quick review on leadership communication:

1)  Remember filters. We all hear things through our own filters that can include or assumptions, biases, our own history, experience, and so on.	1)  Assume that others hear the same thing as you.
2)  Listen well. Consider how you would listen is you were called as an objective witness in court.	2)  Use debate, rather than dialogue.
3)  Clarify. Make sure that you understand what the other person is saying. Ask open-ended questions (who, what, where, when) until you do.	3)  Launch into a response when you’re not sure you understand.
4)  Summarize. At the end of the conversation, summarize what you think they said.	4)  Skip this step.
5)  Assume responsibility for the communication. As a leader, you need to model appropriate communication.	5)  Blame others for their lack of skill.
6)  Check out misunderstandings. Assume miscommunication.	6)  Assume someone was trying to attack or undermine you.
7)  Use what, how or and.	7)  Avoid “buts”.
8)  Avoid condescending or demeaning comments.	8)  Talk down or use belittling language.
9)  Use “I” statements.	9)  Use blaming “you” or “you always”.
10)  Use requests.	10)  Use complaints.

THE MOST COMMON ISSUE: When we conduct leadership and management sessions, the most common challenge mentioned is “communication”: communicating with employees, communicating with bosses, communicating with suppliers, and on and on.

WHO TAUGHT YOU? Most of us model the communication skills we learned in our families, our workplace culture, or (gasp!) the media. None of these may be good models.

HOW TO IMPROVE COMMUNICATION: The good news is that skillful communication can be learned and improved, just like a new computer program or a new engineering technique. What you need is three things: 1) valuing good communication; 2) taking the time to learn; and 3) practice, practice, practice.

What Should You Do?  

I’ve written many Monday Memos and other articles about improving communication. Check out:

A Surefire Way to Get People to Listen

How to Motivate Employees With Gratitude

Workplace Gossip: Should You or Shouldn’t You? A Surprising NEW Study May Have Some Answers

Here’s a quick review on leadership communication:

1)  Remember filters. We all hear things through our own filters that can include or assumptions, biases, our own history, experience, and so on.	1)  Assume that others hear the same thing as you.
2)  Listen well. Consider how you would listen is you were called as an objective witness in court.	2)  Use debate, rather than dialogue.
3)  Clarify. Make sure that you understand what the other person is saying. Ask open-ended questions (who, what, where, when) until you do.	3)  Launch into a response when you’re not sure you understand.
4)  Summarize. At the end of the conversation, summarize what you think they said.	4)  Skip this step.
5)  Assume responsibility for the communication. As a leader, you need to model appropriate communication.	5)  Blame others for their lack of skill.
6)  Check out misunderstandings. Assume miscommunication.	6)  Assume someone was trying to attack or undermine you.
7)  Use what, how or and.	7)  Avoid “buts”.
8)  Avoid condescending or demeaning comments.	8)  Talk down or use belittling language.
9)  Use “I” statements.	9)  Use blaming “you” or “you always”.
10)  Use requests.	10)  Use complaints.

Why Should You Care?  If you want to stop a conversation, try debate! When we’re debating someone, we’re frequently not listening, we’re looking for ways to poke holes in the other’s argument.

Why Listen?  If we’re not listening, we never really gain understanding about why the other person wants what they want. When that happens, solutions rarely emerge. Truly listening is difficult, especially when you’re in a conflict with someone. Learn to communicate effectively during conflict. 

What’s Your Real Goal?  It’s like that adage: do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?  Most of us would choose happy but what happens when we’re in a debate with someone is that we don’t remember what our goal might be. True, sometimes we’re so mad or hurt that all we want to do is retaliate and hurt someone back. Yet for most of us in work relationships – especially those of us who are leaders – what we want to do is solve the current dilemma. And most of the time, the way to do that is dialogue NOT debate.

What Should You Do?  

Educate yourself and your people about the difference between dialogue and debate. Discuss the pros and cons of each mode. Encourage everyone to use dialogue.

Here’s a tool you can use to remind yourself and others of the difference:

For more information about practical communication skills read these Monday Memos:

How to Communicate Since Employees Are as Difficult to Communicate with as Rats
https://www.workplacesthatwork.com/newsletter/july18-2016.php

How to Tackle a Tough Conversation by Breaking it Down
https://www.workplacesthatwork.com/newsletter/june26-2017.php

Why People Don’t Talk to Each Other Directly and How You Can Turn This Around
https://www.workplacesthatwork.com/why-people-dont-talk-to-each-other-directly-and-how-you-can-turn-this-around/