Month: January 2020

Three Steps to Resolve Conflict Quickly!

Leaders Resolving Conflict:  One of the problems that many leaders we coach most dislike facing is resolving conflict between their staff.  They would much rather have employees resolve their own disputes. Yet given how many people would like to avoid those associates they are not getting along with, leaders need to have the skills to step in.

The Fear of the Intervention:  One of the reasons I find leaders don’t want to jump into the fray is a fear that they don’t have the skills to mediate the dispute, or that resolution will take too much time. Both concerns may be unfounded.

Why CEOs Fail:  According to Fortune Magazine “Why CEOs Fail” research, there are two top reasons why CEOs fail: 1) failure to meet financial goals; and 2) failure to confront their direct reports with problems — especially people problems — that they knew needed to be resolved but that the CEOs were avoiding.

As a leader, your success may be linked to assuming leadership in conflict and exercising good conflict management skills.

What Should You Do?

Here Are Three Steps for an Easy Mediation Exercise:

While professionals have spent years learning how to resolve conflict, here’s a relatively easy mediation technique to try. Have the two combatants plan to tell the story of the conflict from their partner’s perspective.

1. Instruct them to assume positive intent and use empathy. Most people in the workplace are not evil and do not intentionally sabotage others.
2.  Ask them to try to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.
3. After one partner has articulated their side of the dispute, ask the other to reflect back on how accurate the  statement might have been.

For more conflict management techniques, visit Workplaces That Work Monday Memos.

What Do You Think?

What’s the best way you have found to mediate disputes at work? Call or write us at:  303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com

Three Things You Should Do About Martin Luther King Day

Why You Should Care: You might feel no enthusiasm for MLK Day, unless you have an extra holiday off from work. Yet a careful study of the man and his work would help you in your own daily activities.

The Civil Rights Museum: A few years ago, I had the opportunity to visit the Civil Rights Museum in Birmingham, Alabama. Honestly, I wouldn’t have bothered unless a colleague had dragged me to the center. We had worked a long day and all I wanted was to return to the hotel and crash. Yet I’m so glad that he brought me along. The entire museum is well interpreted and engrossing, but it was the cell where Martin was jailed after the Birmingham march that drew me in.

MLK and Conflict: King had attempted to obtain a permit before he and his followers marched in Birmingham but had been unable to do so. He decided to march anyway. The authorities threw him in jail where he wrote his famous “Letter from a Birmingham Jail.” In the museum, you can sit on the bed in the actual cell while a recording of his voice reads the letter.

I put my hands on the bars and could feel the vibration of his words. The letter brought tears to my eyes. A group of white Christian pastors had written King before the march, and urged him to forgo the event, arguing that he should wait for a better time. King’s response in his letter was to point out the obvious: that African Americans had waited two hundred years to receive the same rights as white Americans. They had waited long enough.

I don’t know about you but if I’d just been thrown in jail, I would probably be crying and trying to call my Mom, not writing a civilized and persuasive letter to those with whom I was in conflict.

What Should You Do?

Look for Models: In my books, articles and presentations about conflict I write and speak about the need to look for models of effective conflict management. See the links below. Resolving conflict is difficult and tiring, looking at the way others have managed helps keep us encouraged. Certainly, MLK can be one of the most inspiring.

Want to Resolve a Conflict Fast? Here’s How to Settle a Dispute Like Herb Kelleher

What Are the Two Most Important Skills Leaders Need to Resolve Conflict?

What’s the Surprising and Most Effective Way to Resolve Conflict at Work?

Educate Yourself and Others: A good place to start for you and your staff is a recent Podcast from the Apollo Theater, The Strategic King: Martin Luther King’s Visionary Leadership.

MLK did more than inspire, he also crafted a strategy that helped him leverage the media, politicians and citizens to move civil rights and lead a generation. Many of his strategic moves can help any leader with her goals.

Assume Leadership in Conflict: In the Birmingham struggle, it would have been easy for any leader to collapse in his jail cell and do nothing until his release. Yet that wasn’t the MLK strategy. He always looked for ways to resolve conflict with his non-violent methods and bring others along. You can do the same.

What Do You Think?

What are the most effective workplace conversations you’ve experienced or witnessed? Call or write us at: 303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com

Does Your Intention Matter?

The Intention Excuse:  When I am conducting an investigation, coaching an executive, or using any other intervention for a leader accused of harassment, discrimination, condescending behavior or just “poor people skills”, they almost always intone that they didn’t intend to harm or offend anyone. As regular readers know, I’m not a fan of pseudo-apologies with the explanation that the transgressor didn’t intend to offend anyone.

These kinds of accounts tend to put the blame on the person who is offended, as if their sensibilities have created the problem, not the disrespectful behavior of the actor. Will this excuse fly as a matter of law, the organization’s policy, or values? Will the words soothe the feelings of the recipient of the behavior?

Why We Don’t Care About Intention:   I like to use a car crash analogy to explain why intention fails. Imagine that we work together. I’m following you in your brand-new dream car, along your normal route to work. As usual, while I’m zooming along in my Subaru (I’m a skier who lives in Boulder so of course I drive a Subaru), I’m inhaling a cup of joe, listening to Dire Straits, Brothers in Arms and not paying much attention to the road ahead. When there’s a bottleneck on your commute, you – a careful driver – slow down. The inattentive driver behind you (that would be me), fails to do so, rear-ending your sparkling-new car. Sadly, when you rear end someone these days you frequently cause $5,000 worth of damage, not $500. I leap out of the car, run around to apologize, and realize that I work with you.

“Oh no” I moan, “I had no intention of smashing into you on our way to work this morning.”

Do you care about my intention? Most likely not… because your innocent car is still murdered, and you may even erupt with a few bad words. The impact is the same, regardless of intention.

The Same is True for Disrespectful Behavior: When the law, your organization’s policy and values, or the recipient of your behavior considers your disrespectful actions, they will come to the same conclusion. Your intention doesn’t matter; what they care about is the impact of your actions. That’s not to say that a sincere and skillful apology might not be appropriate in some situations, but the impact remains.

For more information about how to deal with the less desirable behaviors you may encounter with leaders and co-workers, read these helpful tips:

One-on-One Sensitivity Training: What to do When a Leader Doesn’t Behave Well

Do You Know Why Condescending and Demeaning Behavior Continues and What You Should Do?

Harassment Prevention: Is it the Individual or the Culture? Does One-on-One Sensitivity Training Work?

What is Condescending or Demeaning Behavior and Why You Should Care

Why You Need One-on-One Sensitivity Training and Performance Management Training

Curing Condescension: Why Leaders Should Never Ask Why!

What Should You Do?

Do the Right Thing: Make sure that your behavior is appropriate and respectful under the law, your organization’s policies and values. If you’re not sure, don’t. If you have questions, seek internal or external coaching.

Take All Opportunities for Education: As the rubric goes: the soft stuff is the hard stuff. Seek continual learning about skillful and appropriate workplace communication, conflict management, diversity and inclusion. Just as you continue to learn about the newest computer program, accounting rules or legal updates, learn what behavior and speech works in your organization.

Seek Feedback: Ask for feedback and listen to what others say about how and when you communicate. In addition to quizzing your boss, ask your peers, who may be more able to be more open and frank with you than your subordinates.

Apologize, If Appropriate:  Most likely, this will not mean focusing on the recipient’s sensitivity. In addition, in some situations, apologies may not be acceptable at all, because having any contact with the victim may cause further harm. Seek guidance on this from the appropriate authority.

What Do You Think?

What are the most effective workplace conversations you’ve experienced or witnessed? Call or write us at: 303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com

Effective Communication or Harassment: What’s the Difference? Where’s the Line?

Many times prospective clients will tell us that they find the line between harassment and other types of communication confusing, repeating tropes that harassment is in the “eye of the beholder” or that there are a lot of “gray areas.” In fact, as participants in our sessions know, there are clear lines defining what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable in the workplace.

Why We’re Confused: Why are leaders confused about the lines? In my experience, it’s because they haven’t differentiated between communication that’s clearly a problem under the law, words that violate your internal policies, and statements that are simply clashes of values. In fact, the most effective workplace communication tracks with all three levels.

The Values Vacuum: In organizations with strong values, these internal conflicts can be more easily resolved. If you’ve done the work to define what makes your organization work in terms of values such as respect, efficiency and a goals-focused culture, most communication issues fade away. Your staff will be too focused and energized to spend time communicating in a way that harms the organization’s vision.

 What Should You Do?

Take Time To Agree on and Practice Values:  Of course, we’ve all seen places where values statements are plastered on the walls but have nothing to do with the way a group really operates. Make sure that values are actually lived and inculcated, not simply wooden ideals. Values should include communication values.

Educate on Effective Communication:  Communication that crosses the line into harassment that violates the law or your policies is NOT effective. Make sure that your people understand why you are emphasizing statements that are both clear and respectful.

Walk Your Talk:  If leaders don’t model respectful as well as useful conversation, your training will be for naught. While you shouldn’t hesitate to encourage a friendly and fun environment, make sure that you know the rules and follow them.

For more tips on effective communication and harassment prevention read the following:

Harassment Prevention: Is it the Individual or the Culture? Does One-on-One Sensitivity Training Work?
Leadership Communication: How Do You Rate?
Why #MeToo Won’t Die and What to Do

What Do You Think?

What are the most effective workplace conversations you’ve experienced or witnessed? Call or write us at: 303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com

Who Do You Love? Friendship 101 for Leaders

The Friendship Trap: Many executives and managers have boasted to me that they are friends “with everyone” on their staff. When I hear this, I’m wary. My experience is that few are capable of “friending” equally. When I quiz them about the time they spend socializing or just talking with each staff member, the numbers tell a different story.

Employee Perception of Fairness: In many ways, most workplaces may not have evolved past a fourth-grade level. One of my favorite quotes is from the novelist Andrew M. Greeley. In one of his books, he has a character who is speaking with an elderly priest. The character asks: “Father, what have you learned from forty years of hearing confession.” The priest replies: “I’ve learned that there are very few grownups!”

After many years of toiling in the trenches of workplace woes: sorting out conflicts, coaching managers, and conducting investigations, I’m inclined to agree.

Just as your kids are likely to whine that what you’re doing isn’t fair — that you are preferring their sibling over them — employees tend to closely follow who their managers or execs seem to prefer. If they believe that someone else is receiving more invitations to your family barbecues, long lunches or after-work beers, you are in trouble. Even how much time you spend talking to one staffer in the hallway or laughing after a meeting catches their eye.

Common Interests: It is human nature to prefer one person over the other. Anthropologists tell us that it’s tribal: we all tend to recognize kindred spirits. And, we all enjoy hanging out with those who share our interests. Yet as leaders, you need to resist this impulse.

The Consequences of Unequal Friendship: In addition to perceptions about fairness, I have had leaders who were accused of harassment and discrimination because someone felt their boss played favorites. An innocent relationship with your workplace pet may look different from the eyes of those not directly involved in the situation.

What Should You Do?

Resist the Urge To Merge: When you find yourself more drawn to one of your employees than to others, think before you act. Just because they attend the same church, follow the same sports team, or have kids the same age doesn’t mean that you should pursue those interests to the exclusion of spending time with others. Instead, try to develop rapport with all your direct reports. If you dig, you will find common ground with almost anyone; even someone you perceive to be different from you may have surprising similarities if you take the time to explore. 

Watch After Work Events and Excess Gabbing: Even if you are sure that someone could become your new best friend, ski buddy or tennis partner, think twice about pursuing that relationship, unless you can find a way to include all your direct reports in the activity. Similarly, limit after work or lunch events to those where you can include the entire group or rotate scrupulously through the roster of your staff when you hand out invites.

Develop Good Friends Outside of Work: Everyone needs support and leaders are no exception. Many of those I have coached who have been perceived to play favorites, tell me that their best friends are at work. Yet when something goes south in the office, allegiances can change in sticky ways. Your former friend may end up on the opposite side of a dispute, leaving you lonely, confused and isolated from your former confidante. Find someone else to talk with: your best friend from college, a therapist, priest or your book group.

For more on how to be perceived as a fair and consistent boss, go to:
Managing Former Peers: The Do’s and Don’ts
Do You Treat People Consistently or Equally? 
Want to Improve the Bottom Line and Create Better Leaders? Try Civility
Do You Know the Most Important Quality for a Leader?

What Do You Think?

Do you perceive your manager or executive to be fair? Are you perceived fairly by your staff? Call or write us at: 303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com