Do You Know How to Have Conversations That Convert? Here’s How
Beyond Challenging Conversations: So many of us seem immersed in conversations that feel beyond challenging these days with workplace hassles, a national political divide, and conflicting vaccine opinions. Many of us have given up, retreated to our corners, and huddled with our respective tribes. In the workplace, of course, avoiding political debates may be the smartest course… but sometimes, you just cannot escape tough conversations on controversial topics.
Learning From a Master: As a pianist, Daryl Davis has jammed with the likes of Chuck Berry, Jerry Lee Lewis, B.B. King and even Bill Clinton. But in an impressive side hustle, Davis – a black man – spends his time defeating racism by hanging out with members of the KKK. He claims to have converted over 200 Klansmen and other white supremacists and has a collection or robes and hoods to prove his success: racist symbols that his converts have given him upon leaving the Klan.
Davis’s work has been documented for decades in articles, videos, books, and a TED Talk. He now has a podcast called “Changing Minds With Daryl Davis.”
Start With Listening: In an interview with NPR in 2017, Davis advised:
“The best thing you do is you study up on the subject as much as you can. I went in armed, not with a weapon, but with knowledge. I knew as much about the Klan, if not more, than many of the Klan people that I interviewed.
When they see that you know about their organization, their belief system, they respect you. Whether they like you or not, they respect the fact that you’ve done your homework. Just like any good salesman, you want a return visit and they recognized that I’d done my homework, which allowed me to come back again.”
Over 500 studies by social psychologists have affirmed Davis’s approach, according to Adam Grant, an organizational psychologist at the Wharton School. Grant advises that these studies show that interacting face-to-face with a person or group different from you reduced prejudice 94 percent of the time. Earning trust is crucial, Grant states, and you will not earn trust until you meet them in person and listen to their stories.
The Results of Listening Without Judgement: Davis’s technique encourages people to convert themselves: “When two enemies are talking, they’re not fighting. It’s when the talking ceases that the ground becomes fertile for violence. If you spend five minutes with your worst enemy — it doesn’t have to be about race, it could be about anything… you will find that you both have something in common. As you build upon those commonalities, you’re forming a relationship, and as you build about that relationship, you’re forming a friendship. That’s what would happen. I didn’t convert anybody. They saw the light and converted themselves.”
Banishing Hate: As Davis recently told The Guardian: “People must stop focusing on the symptoms of hate, that’s like putting a Band-Aid on cancer. We’ve got to treat it down to the bone, which is ignorance. The cure for ignorance is education. You fix the ignorance, there’s nothing to fear. If there’s nothing to fear, there’s nothing to hate. If there’s nothing to hate, there’s nothing or no one to destroy.”
What Should You Do?
Listen First: As leaders, we all have colleagues, customers, and other stakeholders that we need to engage in tough conversations. For most of us, our impulse is to lecture them about the error of their ways, but both Davis and social current research challenges that approach.
Act Fast: The longer we try to avoid our adversaries, the more we will lose the opportunity to gain a relationship, cooperation, and commitment. Research also shows that the longer we sidestep conflict, the harder we will need to work to create connection.
Take the Long View: Davis never expects to change hearts and minds in one conversation. Instead, he listens, learns, and keeps talking. Sometimes his approach may take days or months, but he doesn’t give up. He is not always successful – nor will you be – but without beginning a dialogue, nothing will change.
A Do-It-Yourself-Project: We need to avoid, however, expecting our associates who are black, gay, immigrants or other marginalized groups to do the heavy lifting by approaching those who may hold hateful prejudices against them. As one of the consultants in my firm reminds us: “Sometimes we get tired of teaching.” Instead, we need to assume leadership and do the work ourselves, whenever we have an opportunity.
What Do You Think?
What methods have you used to have tough conversations with those whose views differ radically from yours? Contact us at: 303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com
Did You Know
We’re back! We are fully available for in-person workshops, coaching and investigations, as well as continuing our online offers. Call or write us at: 303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com
Read Lynne’s book “We Need to Talk – Tough Conversations with Your Employee”
July 12, 2021
realize that the move may benefit individuals, as well as the organization. When your associates complain about the directive, banish your guilt, and consider sharing some of the research in order to persuade the troops.
make sure that they’re communicating with staff about how much their people are valued and seeking to find out what employees need and want to stay with your organization. Focus on helping current staff grow and develop, rather than complaining to them about their lack of skills or creating harsh environments.
persuade someone. Do you use emotion, threats, Jedi mind control? Instead, ponder Cialdini’s theories and consider what you might use.
