 May 21, 2018
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What to do When You’re Feeling Excluded at Work
 It’s easy to be paranoid these days, especially when most organizations are going through constant change. Leaders leave, departments are reorganized, downsizing persists and business relationships fluctuate. When you’re trying to manage all that commotion, your natural thought may be: what’s going to happen to me, my compensation and my career as a result of this tornado?
When change happens, people frequently band together with their comrades to try to sort out what’s happening. If it’s someone who has power over your life and work relationship dynamics are shifting, it’s easy to begin to question how that will directly affect you.
“Instead of complaining about a relationship someone else
might have, seek the one you want.”
Despite the reality that it’s unwise for leaders to have favorites or romantic liaisons with people that they lead, these relationships still abound, leading to claims that the leader is showing favoritism toward their protégée or love interest. You may feel left out if you see them laughing together, going out after work for drinks or lunching in the cafeteria without including you.
I recently counseled a young woman whose boss was having a very public affair with the HR Director. She wanted to report him for “unethical” behavior but the real problem was that he took so much time off during the day for these liaisons that she couldn’t get him to approve her work and meet deadlines. I suggested that she focus on that problem, as opposed to reporting him for what she assumed were violations of their other policies since he wasn’t responsible for the performance of the HR Director, and was not technically creating a conflict of interest. In most situations, organizations can’t dictate who you can date unless it’s someone you are supervising as that would create a conflict of interest. Don’t substitute your own moral standards for those of the organization when it’s not really a violation of law or policy.
What Should You Do?
If you are in a situation where you are feeling left out of a workplace conversation, follow these steps:
- Make sure that the relationship could really affect your career. Is there a real potential for favoritism or are you just feeling left out and lonely?
- Gather some intelligence. Without gossiping or complaining, talk with a trusted source in the office. Say: “X and Y seem to be spending a lot of time together. Are they close friends or are they working on a new project?”
- Focus on what you want, not what you don’t want. Instead of complaining about a relationship someone else might have, seek the one you want.
- Schedule time with leaders. Do whatever you can to request time on your boss’s calendar or time with other leaders who you believe are critical to your career. There’s no workplace rule that prevents you from asking your boss or another leader to lunch or coffee. Work to develop rapport but also, make sure that they know what your aspirations are for assignments and the future of your career. Ask for their advice.
- Get the facts. Tread lightly before you report or complain to someone higher up the food chain. Is this relationship truly a violation of your organization’s policies or is it merely a lack of judgment on the part of the leader? Make sure that you have the facts, not just workplace gossip.
- Yes, you are right. In an ideal world, leaders should not show favorites and should seek friends outside the office. Yet most leaders are fallible human beings and may be far from your dream boss. Save your scruples for when you become the leader and make sure that you don’t create these kinds of problems!
 Did You Know
In our leadership and management classes, we focus on appropriate relationships and conflicts of interest.
Call or write me to discuss your options at: 303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com
Learn more about our training offerings and check out our team members at:
Be sure to read Lynne’s book “The Power of a Good Fight” and learn how to embrace conflict to drive productivity, creativity and innovation.
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