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Curing Condescension: Why Leaders Should Never Ask Why!
 For some reason, I seem to receive a lot of requests to coach leaders when their staff charges that they have poor people skills, low emotional intelligence, and are “condescending”. I’ve found it difficult to explain to these leaders what condescending actually means. For some reason, they just don’t see it.
“Appropriate levels of empathy and assertiveness drive successful and productive conflict resolution.”
When we have these clients do an Emotional Intelligence (EQi) assessment, however, they almost always come up rather low on empathy and too high on aggressiveness. Appropriate levels of empathy and assertiveness (rather than aggressiveness) drive successful and productive conflict resolution.
What I suspect happens to these leaders is that they handle conflict and negotiations in an aggressive mode without tempering their aggression with empathy. Thus, their staff describes them as “condescending”. While one dictionary definition of this word is: “Behaving toward other people in a way that shows you consider yourself socially or intellectually superior to them.”
Using that definition with clients doesn’t seem to trigger understanding. What may help, however, is cautioning them about the use of the word why.
What Should You Do?
If your staff has offered feedback to you (or someone you’re coaching) that you’re condescending, take these steps:
- Believe them. Employees are very sensitive to tone and will pick up condescension every time. Don’t argue, debate, or get defensive.
- Ask for examples. They may have a hard time coming up with these in the moment but ask them to keep track and let you know.
- Stop using WHY. Why frequently comes across as accusatory and has a way of making people think that you believe they were stupid to take certain actions. Instead, ask, in an open-ended way, for clarification. Use words like who, where, what. Being puzzled and confused always helps lower the emotional intensity of conversations, so use those explanations for your questions.
- Sit down if you’re standing, breathe, lean back, don’t point at people, and use a normal tone of voice.
- Save email for facts. If you want to know why someone did something or are in the midst of a conflict, you have to sort it out face-to-face, or at least over the phone.
 Did You Know
Our coaching, Emotional Intelligence assessments and workshops help leaders escape from the condescension trap.
Call or write us at: 303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com
Learn more about our training offerings and check out our team members at:
Be sure to read Lynne’s books on Affirmative Action and Sexual Harassment.
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November 20, 2017
