Newsletter – Difficult Conversations: How NOT to Get Them on Your Side

Difficult Conversations: How NOT to Get Them on Your Side

Many of my clients like to think of themselves as direct. “I’m just an honest person”, they’ll assert. Or, “I like to cut to the chase.”

Unfortunately, starting off a challenging conversation with this in mind will frequently back people into their respective corners and put them into fight-or-flight mode.

As the neuropsychologists will tell us, fight-or-flight mode is that part of our brain that is reptilian. We’re on automatic pilot when that kicks in and not thinking of the best outcome for all concerned.

 

Instead…diffuse the tension of the situation and try to create collaboration.

One of your main jobs when you are starting off a difficult conversation is to get the other person on your side. In order to do that you need to diffuse the tension of the situation and try to create collaboration, not an adversarial environment.

• Use some sort of rapport-building tee-up. Think of a golf game where you need to place the ball on the tee before you can swing. Don’t take an “honest” swing at someone before you develop rapport.
• Good rapport building openers are non-confrontational. Comments on the Broncos, the weather or traffic are good conversational starters.
• Listen more than you talk. When you do tiptoe up to the challenging subject, let them take the lead. Try to ask open-ended questions (who, what, where, when) that start the conversation, then listen, listen, listen. Look for areas of agreement, no matter how small.