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How to Get Anyone to Talk and Tell You What You Want to Know

INTERVIEWS, INVESTIGATIONS OR ZOOM: Even now, in a mostly virtual world, we need to talk to one another: interviews, investigations, or Zoom happy hours still require conversations. To find out what you need to know about co-workers or customers, you need to know how to get anyone to talk about anything.

TALKERS VERSUS THINKERS: Of course, there are always some people who will not shut up, even if what they are saying has no relevancy to what you want from them. In my experience, people generally fall into talkers versus thinkers. There are those (I used to be one of these) who find out what they think by talking, and those who like to think before talking. (What a concept!). Understanding this difference can help you find out what you need to know and time your conversations. Especially with a tough topic, you may need to ask the question and then schedule a time for someone to answer after you have given them a chance to think.

ASK AND THEN HUSH: The introverts among us may think that starting and maintaining conversations is challenging because they assume they need to spend most of their time talking. The reality is, however, that asking open ended questions and then listening is the best way to find out what you need to know.

What Should You Do?

OPEN ENDED QUESTIONS: Ask the classic who, what, where questions. Avoid questions that can be answered with a simple yes or no.

LET SILENCE SPEAK: Most people are uncomfortable with silence. Ask your question and then wait. Often, the interviewee will rush in to fill the quiet with words, letting you find out what you need to know without doing much of the work.

BE CURIOUS: I am usually good at investigations and interviews because

 I am naturally curious about the world. Do not be afraid to say that you are confused or puzzled: the world is indeed a mysterious place. Ask for advice; people usually like to offer counsel, telling you what you need to know. Frequently, you don’t know what you don’t know. I often ask at the end of an interview, for example, “What would you want to know if you were doing what I’m doing?”

For more tips on communications, go to www.workplacesthatwork/Mondaymemos.com

These and other meeting ideas are addressed in all our leadership and management workshops – live and online.

Call or write us at: 303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com

Coaching and webinars on these and other management and leadership topics can all be delivered virtually.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Read Lynne’s book “We Need to Talk – Tough Conversations with Your Employee” and learn to tackle every topic with sensitivity and smarts.

Do You Know the Hidden Issue Behind Your Workplace Conflicts?

THE POWER OF BRAIN CHEMISTRY: I recently received an email from a former student wanting me to write a different kind of Monday Memo about condescending and demeaning behavior. Even though I’ve written several pieces about this issue (Do You Know Why Condescending and Demeaning Behavior Continues?), he had a different take. A former boss had given him feedback that his behavior was condescending, but he had refused to accept that feedback. Years later, he received a medical diagnosis that he suffered from being bipolar. Once receiving treatment, his condescending behavior lessened.

THE MEDICAL BACKGROUND: I believe, along with established medical science, that the brain is a part of the body and may suffer from defects like any other part of our systems. All kinds of issues, such as attention deficit disorder, clinical depression, learning disabilities, and other problems may arise. When that happens, workplace behavior problems may result; these concerns may not be correctable no matter how much training or coaching the person receives. That difficult staff member who resists your feedback may be doing the best they are able. Their failure to perform could be beyond their control – and yours.

MY OWN RESEARCH RESULTS: When I am conducting an investigation into a workplace complaint or other workplace conflict, I find that there’s an underlying brain chemistry problem in many, if not most, of these situations. I was conducting an investigation into alleged gender discrimination, for example, and the women in this group felt that they were treated differently than their male colleagues in many ways, but especially since one of them was allowed to work from home. Yet my investigation revealed that he was treated differently because he had been diagnosed as bipolar and his doctor had recommended he be allowed to work from home as a part of a reasonable accommodation plan under the Americans With Disabilities Act. Since most of these accommodations are – and should be – confidential, the women in this group had no idea that this was the reason they were being treated differently. Different treatment, yes, but not based on gender.

What Should You Do?

TAKE A HARD STAND:  If you are a leader, make sure that you enforce your organization’s policies on racist, sexist, and other kinds of unacceptable speech. While your troops might try to raise First Amendment objections, employees in private companies have limited – if any – free speech rights. You have a right to restrict unacceptable behavior at work, including speech.

DON’T LISTEN TO EXCUSES:  Groves initially tried to explain that the slur was in “every song they listened to” and was common in online and everyday speech among her peers. With kids, of course, parents might be prompted to ask whether jumping off a cliff just because musicians or peers do it would not be smart. While I am sympathetic to Grove’s suggestion that she said something wrong because she was so young (who among us hasn’t done something idiotic at 15?), the justification that entertainers or members of a certain group use unacceptable language doesn’t work in the workplace. In educational institutions, it is a sign that we need to do a better job of educating our children about our racial history and our record of injustice.

FORGET POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: People sometimes try to argue that a reaction to hate speech is just “political correctness.” Balderdash. There are standards of behavior that are simply “correct” in a civilized organization and eliminating racist language is one of them.

For more posts on racist and other inappropriate language go to Newsletter – Want to Stop Racism? Start With Yourself | (workplacesthatwork.com)

Did You Know

These and other meeting ideas are addressed in all our leadership and management workshops – live and online.

Call or write us at: 303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com

Coaching and webinars on these and other management and leadership topics can all be delivered virtually.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Read Lynne’s book “Stop Pissing Me Off” and learn what to do when the people you work withdrive you crazy.

What’s your Plan?

As Arielle Patrick, the Chief Communications Officer at Ariel Investments, the oldest minority-owned investment firm in the United States stated in Sunday’s New York Times:

“At my old job, we would develop playbooks for companies to have on the shelf in case of a data breach, a #MeToo incident, diversity and inclusion issues, or anything else. Companies that don’t do this are, frankly, delusional…..No matter how great your company is, humans make mistakes, and all you can do is be ready, stand on the right side of history, and take action immediately.”

DIVERSITY CRISIS MANAGEMENT: Of course, with a world gone mad – as seems to have happened this past year – crises seem to be continual. Yet I like how Patrick discusses the issue as “delusional” if you do not have a plan for issues such harassment, diversity, and inclusion. When most organizations think of “crisis management”, however, they frequently assume that would mean a fire, a tainted product, or a PR nightmare about a fraudulent stock deal. Most seem to assume that public exposure involving race, harassment or discrimination will not pop up, yet they are far more common.

HUMAN ERROR: In my experience with these issues, many – if not most – of diversity and inclusion issues do involve human error, rather than intentional discrimination or harassment. Of course, there are evil actors, but they are the exception rather than the rule. Mistakes will happen in these ever-changing areas and we all need to be prepared for them.

What Should You Do?

DON’T ASSUME: Just because you have policies and training on harassment and discrimination issues does not mean you will not face a public upset. Be ready for the inevitable problems with a communication plan (both internal and external) and a competent legal counsel.

EDUCATE LEADERS: Make sure that your leaders understand that these errors around these issues may be more a matter of the number of your employees than anything else. Also, emphasis in your training with managers that you realize they may make diversity mistakes so that they do not hide errors. Almost anything can be fixed if you call an expert soon enough.

For more information on effective diversity, equity and inclusion workshops go to www.workplacesthatwork.com.

These and other meeting ideas are addressed in all our leadership and management workshops – live and online.

Call or write us at: 303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com

Coaching and webinars on these and other management and leadership topics can all be delivered virtually.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Read Lynne’s books on sexual harassment and affirmative action.

Leadership Strength Versus Vulnerability? Which is Best?

THE CHALLENGE: Current experts sometimes suggest that leaders need to exhibit vulnerability to be effective. The theory seems to be that expression allows their staff to understand them as fully human and thus more effective. I agree that emotional intelligence, as I have previously suggested, includes vulnerability. Check out how emotional intelligence assessments can help leaders change.

Yet leaders also need to show strength, so that their associates feel safe and know that they can count on the leader to be there no matter what else may occur.

THE DANGER OF OVERSHARING: I have had coaching clients sent to me because they did not seem to understand oversharing: the rule that leaders need to leave some things for private view only. I might share, for example, that I have been divorced as a part of an illustrative story about managing change. What I don’t need to do, however, is offer up all the gory details of the whys, whens and wherefores. Those issues are best left for close friends, your priest, or your therapist.

THE NEED FOR SECURITY: Every human being needs to feel secure to function effectively. All of us, of course, have different levels of risk tolerance: some of us love to ski down glaciers or dive with sharks, others love the comfort of home and hearth. What they need at work from a leader, however, is knowing that the leader will be there to guide them through stormy seas. A leader can admit that they are worried or uncertain (especially in the midst of a global pandemic, economic uncertainty, and political unrest) yet their staff needs to know that they won’t abandon ship and that they are working diligently with the best of expert advice in order to find the most effective channel to steer through the waves of change.

What Should You Do?

TRESIST OVERSHARING: Even if you count some of your staff among your best friends, resist telling them everything about your personal and professional life. For one thing, it is difficult to distribute friendship evenly and you risk being accused of favoritism. For another, you risk creating more fear among the ranks, especially in times of change.

ADMIT HUMANITY BUT…: Knowing that your boss is human can help you feel connected to them and connection fosters effective leadership. Yet a little bit of vulnerability goes a long way.

CHECK YOURSELF: It is useful to have an independent and trusted advisor to help you find the balance between strength and vulnerability. Before you have that tough conversation, give that speech, or send that email, find someone – outside the organization – to help you determine if you have successfully walked that razor’s edge.

These and other meeting ideas are addressed in all our leadership and management workshops – live and online.

Call or write us at: 303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com

Coaching and webinars on these and other management and leadership topics can all be delivered virtually.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Read Lynne’s book “We Need to Talk — Tough Conversations with Your Employee” and learn to tackle any topic with sensitivity and smarts

TO REVIEW: You Do Know That This is Not Okay?

RACIAL SLURS IN THE NEWS AGAIN!  Jimmy Galligan, who posted a video online of a classmate using a racial slur, said he had been mocked for years by students with that same language. In the past, he had complained to his schoolteachers and administrators with no results. Galligan, now 18, whose mother is Black, and father is White, said that his classmate who uttered the video slur, Mimi Groves, did not understand the severity of the language.

Groves had posted the video on Snapchat in 2016. In the video, she looked into the camera and stated: “I can drive N____”, after getting her learner’s permit. While the video did not circulate widely at that time, Galligan sent it out this year and the post went viral.

HEAVY CONSEQUENCES: Groves, a varsity cheer captain, dreamed of attending the University of Tennessee, whose cheer team was the reigning national champion. Within days of the video going viral, she had resigned from the school and – under pressure – declined her acceptance to the University of Tennessee.

A SAD AND SHAMEFUL HISTORY:  Public universities have a limited ability to expel students for offensive language, because of free speech concerns. The University had gained other negative publicity in recent years, however, including Snapchat photos of students wearing blackface and mocking Black Lives Matter protestors, a student suspended by her sorority for referring to Black people with an online video including a racial slur, and swastikas and other hateful messages painted on campus.

In addition, Leesburg, Virginia, the seat of the high school, fought an order to desegregate for more than a decade after the Supreme Court’s ruling, and in fact, was named for Confederate General Robert E. Lee. Unfortunately, the area had long tolerated demeaning racial speech.

What Should You Do?

TAKE A HARD STAND:  If you are a leader, make sure that you enforce your organization’s policies on racist, sexist, and other kinds of unacceptable speech. While your troops might try to raise First Amendment objections, employees in private companies have limited – if any – free speech rights. You have a right to restrict unacceptable behavior at work, including speech.

DON’T LISTEN TO EXCUSES:  Groves initially tried to explain that the slur was in “every song they listened to” and was common in online and everyday speech among her peers. With kids, of course, parents might be prompted to ask whether jumping off a cliff just because musicians or peers do it would not be smart. While I am sympathetic to Grove’s suggestion that she said something wrong because she was so young (who among us hasn’t done something idiotic at 15?), the justification that entertainers or members of a certain group use unacceptable language doesn’t work in the workplace. In educational institutions, it is a sign that we need to do a better job of educating our children about our racial history and our record of injustice.

FORGET POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: People sometimes try to argue that a reaction to hate speech is just “political correctness.” Balderdash. There are standards of behavior that are simply “correct” in a civilized organization and eliminating racist language is one of them.

For more posts on racist and other inappropriate language go to Newsletter – Want to Stop Racism? Start With Yourself | (workplacesthatwork.com)

Did You Know

These and other meeting ideas are addressed in all our leadership and management workshops – live and online.

Call or write us at: 303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com

Coaching and webinars on these and other management and leadership topics can all be delivered virtually.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Read Lynne’s books on sexual harassment and affirmative action

Cutting Gossip and Cross Talk: What Should You Do?

WHY STRAIGHT TALK MATTERS: If we are honest, we all like a bit of gossip to spice up our days – if it is not about us! Even in an age of non-stop Zoom meetings, I find that leaders complain that their staff wastes too much time chatting, emailing, and phoning about what is going on in the organization. While some of this talk can be productive, much of the time may be spent spreading rumors, complaining to third parties, or ignoring productive solutions to real workplace issues.

TRIANGULATION: In my book, The Power of a Good Fight — I call this kind of talk triangulation strangulation. What I mean is that the conversation stagnates, because people are focused on blame, criticism, and finger-pointing, instead of solutions.

THE HARM OF GOSSIP: Cross talk frequently damages an organization by spreading false information, causing inefficiencies, and damaging reputations. Eventually, this behavior can poison cooperation and create a toxic culture.

For more ideas on gossip at work go to my Monday Memo Do You Know How and Why to Stop Gossip in Your Workplace?

What Should You Do?

REFUSE TO TOLERATE GOSSIP: If you are a leader, clarify your stance on gossip; insist that your staff address issues directly to the person or group with the power to solve a problem. If someone is complaining to you about another associate, insist that they speak to the first person before you will listen to their complaint. If you’re not in a leadership position, refuse to participate in gossip, change the conversation or simply ask: Have you spoken to ….. about this issue?

NAME THE GAME: If someone is avoiding a challenging conversation with you by speaking to a third party, make sure that you address that behavior with the rumor spreaders.

State: It has come to my attention that you have spoken to B about me and issue X. 

Ask: Is there anything that I’ve said or done that’s making it hard for you to speak to me directly? Is there anything that I could say or do that would make it easier to speak with me directly?

WATCH YOUR OWN SPEECH: Buddhists talk about “right speech”, the idea that our words alone can cause harm. Be sure that you model straight talk yourself and go directly to the source to solve problems. Encourage productive – not unproductive – conflict.

Did You Know

These and other meeting ideas are addressed in all our leadership and management workshops – live and online.

Call or write us at: 303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com

Coaching and webinars on these and other management and leadership topics can all be delivered virtually.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Read Lynne’s book “The Power of a Good Fight” and learn to embrace conflict to drive productivity, creativity and innovation

Do You Know the Coaching Tool for Success?

THE GOTTMAN EXPERIMENTS: The psychologist John Gottman found fame as a marriage therapist who conducted experiments with married couples. In his “Love Lab”, Gottman observed couples going about their daily lives: talking, cooking, cleaning, and most importantly, fighting. With his system, he could predict with more than 90% accuracy which couples would be able to stay married.

THE FIVE TO ONE RATIO: One of his most important findings was the five to one ratio. A partner needed to offer five positive comments to counter one critical or negative comment for the relationship to survive and thrive. While I am not aware of any similar workplace research, my experience with coaching, facilitation, and other interventions has found the same to be true in work environments.

DOING SOMETHING GOOD: One standard bit of management advice suggests that leaders should “catch their staff doing something good.” Again, I would agree that leaders who obtain the most from their teams have learned this basic lesson. If they acknowledge and reward positive deeds, rather than constantly carping, their people blossom. Of course, every leader must also correct and coach behavior that does not meet their standards. But there’s a right and a wrong way to offer feedback, read “Want to Make Sure Your Feedback is Heard? Here’s How”,one of many of my articles that address this issue.

What Should You Do?

KEEP TRACK OF YOUR RATIO: Because what gets measured gets done, make sure to keep track of how many times you offer positive rewards instead of criticism or negativity.

STAY ALERT: If you are working on site, make sure that you get out of the office and wander around so that you can catch your staff exhibiting positive behaviors. Working remotely makes observation more challenging, of course, but you can still watch how people handle Zoom or other video calls, write quick and/or articulate emails, and so on.

STAY INSPIRED: In order to inspire others, we all need to stay inspired ourselves – not an easy task these days. One of the best sources I have found recently is The Antidote , (make sure that you type “The” into your search or voice commands or you will end up in a strange place) a documentary about Americans around the country who have contributed in a positive way. Keep tissues handy; guaranteed to lift your spirits.

Made in response to the times we are living in, THE ANTIDOTE is a feature documentary that weaves together stories of kindness, decency, and the power of community in America.

What’s the Most Important Thing on Your “To Do” List?

THINKING: Years ago, when I was a partner in a law firm, I received a phone call from a client. “Lynne,” he said, “I have a problem with your bill.” These are not words that any attorney ever wants to hear from a client. “OK,” I gulped, expecting the worst.

“I love all the detail, the codes, 0.3 hours for this activity, 0.2 for that, but you leave out the most important thing that I pay you for. THINKING! You never have thinking on the time you spend on my issues.”

What Should You Do?

TIME FOR WHAT’S IMPORTANT: Most of us have work that requires thought yet we may fail to carve out time for that activity. If you’re like me, you start every week with a “to-do” list that’s so long you just want to take a nap after completing the inventory. Here’s an ideal schedule suggestion that works for me:

1. I try to start my days with exercise and meditation, since I can’t think, work, or play well unless I’m healthy. Luckily, I live in Boulder where I can hike on a trail right outside my door or swim year-round in a saltwater pool at my athletic club.
2. After raising my spirits and adjusting my attitude with those activities, I land in the office and try to think first: before email, phone, or the “to-do” list. Thinking may also involve writing projects such as these Monday Memos, a book I’m working on, a new workshop, or an investigation report.
3. Next, I do look at emails and return phone calls if they are from clients or some other urgent matter, but I try to limit these kinds of activities to one hour or less. No, I do not check out social media except for LinkedIn postings once a week.
4. The next block of two to three hours involves investigation interviews, coaching calls, or webinars.

5.  Lastly, I try to plow through the endless list of what my assistant calls “nits”: scheduling appointments, filling out forms, paying bills, and the like. I limit this activity to one to two hours, or I feel drained of all sanity and energy.

For more ideas on how to prioritize your time and energy go to www.workplacesthatwork.com.

Have you tried the tool of daily questions? Contact us at: 303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com

Stop! Why the Best Meeting May Be No Meeting

NO MEETINGS: Recent research from Stanford indicates the best meeting may be: no meeting! Researchers found that more new and better ideas were generated without meetings than with meetings.

IF YOU MUST MEET: Put some time into making sure that your meetings are effective. There is both an art and a science to running a good meeting. Since most of us sit through so many, we should endeavor to make sure that they are productive.

LEARN FROM THE PROS: Leaders who receive high marks from those who must sit through their meetings have learned a few things about what works. Here’s some simple ways to make meetings better or not have them at all.

Especially in an age of Zoom fatigue, we can all use fewer screen meetings with no real purpose or outcome. 

What Should You Do?

PREPARE: Most leaders know that meetings should have an agenda and that you should encourage people to prepare in advance, but what’s the most effective tool? Long memos sent in advance may rarely be read. Instead, encourage people to send you short videos or visuals before the meeting that address their thoughts and ideas on the meeting agenda. That way, you can limit the meeting to brainstorming effectively or making decisions.

LIMIT TIME, ATTENDEES, AND FREQUENCY: Research has shown that meetings are unlikely to succeed if there are more than eight attendees. Likewise, our average attention span is eighteen minutes. After that, people zone out and productivity diminishes. If you must include more people, structure break-out groups for smaller numbers. If you have mastered preparation, eighteen minutes should be enough. If you need more time, schedule breaks or weekly meetings until you meet your goals.

UPDATE LOCALES AND ACTIVITIES: The tech world has made stand-up meetings famous and indeed, research has shown that people are more energized and productive in those kinds of events. Perhaps consider a stand-up Zoom meeting? Outdoor meetings around a fire pit, walks or hikes may also get us through this dark time. Even in winter weather, invite participants to bundle up and come along (with masks, of course). The famously optimistic and productive Norwegians train their children from an early age to run outside for all kinds of activities – even in winter — and the adults follow along.

“NO MEETING” DAYS: If you have the authority, schedule “no meeting” days for your teams. Research has shown that allowing people to work — especially on new or creative endeavors – without interruptions may lead to breakthroughs.

For more ideas on how to have productive meetings and make decisions collectively, go to www.workplacesthatwork.com.

What Do You Think?

Have you tried the tool of daily questions? Contact us at: 303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com

We Thought It Was a Sprint, Now We Know It’s a Marathon: How Do You Help People Cope?

COVID FATIGUE: Of course, back in the ancient time of last March, we all thought it would be over soon, didn’t we? A March lockdown of two, three or four weeks, sure, we could cope. But then, of course, it’s gone on and on and on. As we prepare for more possible lockdowns and stay-at-home orders, how does a weary world begin to cope?

LEADING THROUGH THE COVID STORM: I have previously written in a recent Monday Memo, about how we are all grieving the loss of the life we had, and, for some of us, the loss of jobs, businesses and loved ones. In addition to that, however, we now seem to have sunk into a collective depression because of the endless nature of the Covid fight. If you are a leader, of course, you not only have to manage your own emotions and motivations, but those you lead also.

TIPS FROM ULTRA-ATHLETES:  Saturday’s New York times article “Strengthen Mental Stamina Like the Pros” suggests a surprising source of inspiration for the road ahead: endurance athletes.

“There’s a special kind of exhaustion that the world’s best endurance athletes embrace. Some call it masochistic, others may call it brave. When fatigue sends legs and lungs to their limits, they are able to push through to a gear beyond their pain threshold. These athletes approach fatigue not with fear but as a challenge, an opportunity.”

In the Covid race, we have all become endurance athletes. We are running a race with no clear finish line: tired, angry, and maybe even ready to give up. What do these athletes know that we don’t, and what can we learn from them?

What Should You Do?

KNOW YOUR OWN STRENGTH: Like Gayle Gadot in Wonder Woman, these experts on endurance emphasize that we are all stronger than we think we are and more flexible than we ever imagined. As a leader, especially, you need to encourage your people to know and understand their own gifts.

PACE YOURSELF: Endurance athletes learn that they can’t blow all their energy early in the run, game or trek but must hold things in reserve or they will never make it through the marathon event. Similarly, leaders who work 24/7 will burn out, especially in this time of constant change. Try to keep

SET SMALL GOALS THAT YOU CAN CONTROL: These super stars learn how to set mini-goals that they know they can make. Similarly, if you try to see too far ahead in a world full of chaos, you will only create more stress for yourself and those you lead. In addition, make sure that your goals are ones that you can control: making a difficult phone call, writing a speech, or filling out an evaluation. If you set goals where others control the outcome, you will only add to your frustration.

STRUCTURE YOUR DAY: It’s easy to drift these days, especially if you are working at home without a set schedule. Creating and keeping a schedule, however, can lead to athletic, professional, and personal success.

ADD SOMETHING NEW: Just as we can become bogged down with constant change, we can be worn down by doing the same thing every day. When athletes are injured or in lockdown, their trainers try to get them to try some new physical activity, frequently leading to new gains in endurance or agility.

What Do You Think?

Have you found new ways to lead or work during the pandemic?  Contact us at: 303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com