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Does Your Intention Matter?

The Intention Excuse:  When I am conducting an investigation, coaching an executive, or using any other intervention for a leader accused of harassment, discrimination, condescending behavior or just “poor people skills”, they almost always intone that they didn’t intend to harm or offend anyone. As regular readers know, I’m not a fan of pseudo-apologies with the explanation that the transgressor didn’t intend to offend anyone.

These kinds of accounts tend to put the blame on the person who is offended, as if their sensibilities have created the problem, not the disrespectful behavior of the actor. Will this excuse fly as a matter of law, the organization’s policy, or values? Will the words soothe the feelings of the recipient of the behavior?

Why We Don’t Care About Intention:   I like to use a car crash analogy to explain why intention fails. Imagine that we work together. I’m following you in your brand-new dream car, along your normal route to work. As usual, while I’m zooming along in my Subaru (I’m a skier who lives in Boulder so of course I drive a Subaru), I’m inhaling a cup of joe, listening to Dire Straits, Brothers in Arms and not paying much attention to the road ahead. When there’s a bottleneck on your commute, you – a careful driver – slow down. The inattentive driver behind you (that would be me), fails to do so, rear-ending your sparkling-new car. Sadly, when you rear end someone these days you frequently cause $5,000 worth of damage, not $500. I leap out of the car, run around to apologize, and realize that I work with you.

“Oh no” I moan, “I had no intention of smashing into you on our way to work this morning.”

Do you care about my intention? Most likely not… because your innocent car is still murdered, and you may even erupt with a few bad words. The impact is the same, regardless of intention.

The Same is True for Disrespectful Behavior: When the law, your organization’s policy and values, or the recipient of your behavior considers your disrespectful actions, they will come to the same conclusion. Your intention doesn’t matter; what they care about is the impact of your actions. That’s not to say that a sincere and skillful apology might not be appropriate in some situations, but the impact remains.

For more information about how to deal with the less desirable behaviors you may encounter with leaders and co-workers, read these helpful tips:

One-on-One Sensitivity Training: What to do When a Leader Doesn’t Behave Well

Do You Know Why Condescending and Demeaning Behavior Continues and What You Should Do?

Harassment Prevention: Is it the Individual or the Culture? Does One-on-One Sensitivity Training Work?

What is Condescending or Demeaning Behavior and Why You Should Care

Why You Need One-on-One Sensitivity Training and Performance Management Training

Curing Condescension: Why Leaders Should Never Ask Why!

What Should You Do?

Do the Right Thing: Make sure that your behavior is appropriate and respectful under the law, your organization’s policies and values. If you’re not sure, don’t. If you have questions, seek internal or external coaching.

Take All Opportunities for Education: As the rubric goes: the soft stuff is the hard stuff. Seek continual learning about skillful and appropriate workplace communication, conflict management, diversity and inclusion. Just as you continue to learn about the newest computer program, accounting rules or legal updates, learn what behavior and speech works in your organization.

Seek Feedback: Ask for feedback and listen to what others say about how and when you communicate. In addition to quizzing your boss, ask your peers, who may be more able to be more open and frank with you than your subordinates.

Apologize, If Appropriate:  Most likely, this will not mean focusing on the recipient’s sensitivity. In addition, in some situations, apologies may not be acceptable at all, because having any contact with the victim may cause further harm. Seek guidance on this from the appropriate authority.

What Do You Think?

What are the most effective workplace conversations you’ve experienced or witnessed? Call or write us at: 303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com

Effective Communication or Harassment: What’s the Difference? Where’s the Line?

Many times prospective clients will tell us that they find the line between harassment and other types of communication confusing, repeating tropes that harassment is in the “eye of the beholder” or that there are a lot of “gray areas.” In fact, as participants in our sessions know, there are clear lines defining what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable in the workplace.

Why We’re Confused: Why are leaders confused about the lines? In my experience, it’s because they haven’t differentiated between communication that’s clearly a problem under the law, words that violate your internal policies, and statements that are simply clashes of values. In fact, the most effective workplace communication tracks with all three levels.

The Values Vacuum: In organizations with strong values, these internal conflicts can be more easily resolved. If you’ve done the work to define what makes your organization work in terms of values such as respect, efficiency and a goals-focused culture, most communication issues fade away. Your staff will be too focused and energized to spend time communicating in a way that harms the organization’s vision.

 What Should You Do?

Take Time To Agree on and Practice Values:  Of course, we’ve all seen places where values statements are plastered on the walls but have nothing to do with the way a group really operates. Make sure that values are actually lived and inculcated, not simply wooden ideals. Values should include communication values.

Educate on Effective Communication:  Communication that crosses the line into harassment that violates the law or your policies is NOT effective. Make sure that your people understand why you are emphasizing statements that are both clear and respectful.

Walk Your Talk:  If leaders don’t model respectful as well as useful conversation, your training will be for naught. While you shouldn’t hesitate to encourage a friendly and fun environment, make sure that you know the rules and follow them.

For more tips on effective communication and harassment prevention read the following:

Harassment Prevention: Is it the Individual or the Culture? Does One-on-One Sensitivity Training Work?
Leadership Communication: How Do You Rate?
Why #MeToo Won’t Die and What to Do

What Do You Think?

What are the most effective workplace conversations you’ve experienced or witnessed? Call or write us at: 303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com

Who Do You Love? Friendship 101 for Leaders

The Friendship Trap: Many executives and managers have boasted to me that they are friends “with everyone” on their staff. When I hear this, I’m wary. My experience is that few are capable of “friending” equally. When I quiz them about the time they spend socializing or just talking with each staff member, the numbers tell a different story.

Employee Perception of Fairness: In many ways, most workplaces may not have evolved past a fourth-grade level. One of my favorite quotes is from the novelist Andrew M. Greeley. In one of his books, he has a character who is speaking with an elderly priest. The character asks: “Father, what have you learned from forty years of hearing confession.” The priest replies: “I’ve learned that there are very few grownups!”

After many years of toiling in the trenches of workplace woes: sorting out conflicts, coaching managers, and conducting investigations, I’m inclined to agree.

Just as your kids are likely to whine that what you’re doing isn’t fair — that you are preferring their sibling over them — employees tend to closely follow who their managers or execs seem to prefer. If they believe that someone else is receiving more invitations to your family barbecues, long lunches or after-work beers, you are in trouble. Even how much time you spend talking to one staffer in the hallway or laughing after a meeting catches their eye.

Common Interests: It is human nature to prefer one person over the other. Anthropologists tell us that it’s tribal: we all tend to recognize kindred spirits. And, we all enjoy hanging out with those who share our interests. Yet as leaders, you need to resist this impulse.

The Consequences of Unequal Friendship: In addition to perceptions about fairness, I have had leaders who were accused of harassment and discrimination because someone felt their boss played favorites. An innocent relationship with your workplace pet may look different from the eyes of those not directly involved in the situation.

What Should You Do?

Resist the Urge To Merge: When you find yourself more drawn to one of your employees than to others, think before you act. Just because they attend the same church, follow the same sports team, or have kids the same age doesn’t mean that you should pursue those interests to the exclusion of spending time with others. Instead, try to develop rapport with all your direct reports. If you dig, you will find common ground with almost anyone; even someone you perceive to be different from you may have surprising similarities if you take the time to explore. 

Watch After Work Events and Excess Gabbing: Even if you are sure that someone could become your new best friend, ski buddy or tennis partner, think twice about pursuing that relationship, unless you can find a way to include all your direct reports in the activity. Similarly, limit after work or lunch events to those where you can include the entire group or rotate scrupulously through the roster of your staff when you hand out invites.

Develop Good Friends Outside of Work: Everyone needs support and leaders are no exception. Many of those I have coached who have been perceived to play favorites, tell me that their best friends are at work. Yet when something goes south in the office, allegiances can change in sticky ways. Your former friend may end up on the opposite side of a dispute, leaving you lonely, confused and isolated from your former confidante. Find someone else to talk with: your best friend from college, a therapist, priest or your book group.

For more on how to be perceived as a fair and consistent boss, go to:
Managing Former Peers: The Do’s and Don’ts
Do You Treat People Consistently or Equally? 
Want to Improve the Bottom Line and Create Better Leaders? Try Civility
Do You Know the Most Important Quality for a Leader?

What Do You Think?

Do you perceive your manager or executive to be fair? Are you perceived fairly by your staff? Call or write us at: 303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com

Think Someone on Your Staff is Lying? Think Again!

The Unfortunate Truth:  If you are a leader, you have experienced trying to sort out your people’s stories as you try to resolve a conflict, calm an angry customer or conduct an investigation. You may wonder how two – or three, or four – people could have sat in the same meeting and yet arrived in your office with such different versions of who said what when. Frustrated, you may conclude that someone must be lying. Not so fast!

The Science of Memory:   To understand how everyone may be telling the truth as they understand it, listen to the latest science on NPR’s Hidden Brain, “Did That Really Happen? How Our Memories Betray Us”

Most of us like to believe that we remember events as if we had an instant video replay, yet modern science disputes our beliefs: “Memory is not like a video camera; a better way to think of it is as an act of reconstruction, or what you might call “mental paleontology.” This is the analogy that psychologist Ayanna Thomas likes to use.”

In other words, we may think the bone we find in a dig is that of a brontosaurus, if that’s the only dinosaur we know, yet someone else may assert that we’ve uncovered a new type we’ve never even named.

Why Our View of Memory Matters:  If we think that our own – or our pet employee’s – version of events must be the truth, we can make decisions based on the wrong information. For example, as the nation watched Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation hearings, most of us picked a side. We assumed that either he, or Christine Blasey Ford, must be lying since their version of events differed so shockingly. We failed to consider the possibility that they were both telling the truth as best as they remembered the events in question.

We’ve all had this experience in our personal lives. If we’re rushing out of the house, for example, and we ask our spouse or partner to pick up the kids after soccer before they’ve mainlined their essential caffeine, we may return home to an empty house. Are they lying when they swear that we didn’t ask them to take on this task? Are we lying when we assert that we did? Probably not. We just have different perspectives of the same event.

What Should You Do?

Assume Positive Intent. If you have two staff people who have consistently performed in a useful and honest way, do not automatically assume that one of them must be shading the truth if they provide different reports. We all hear what we want to hear, or what our history or culture tells us must be reality.

Dig Deep to Find Out What Happened. If the two versions of an event cannot be reconciled, take the time to seek other input. Realize that you won’t be able to instantly find the “truth.” In fact, you may never know what “really” happened, only the different perspectives of your people. You will have to decide based on the versions of the facts at hand and your own independent judgment.

Seek Reconciliation. The Quakers opine that we “all have a piece of the truth.” Frequently, that’s the best you can do. Try not to settle for a binary solution, but for a consensus that meets everyone’s needs and interests.

For more information on investigations and consensus, read these Monday Memos:

Want to Bullet Proof Decision Making? Here’s How
Why is Building Consensus So Hard? What You Need to Know
Decisions! Decisions! How Objective Are You Really?

What Do You Think?

Have you observed behavior in yourself and others that seems completely out of character? Call or write us at:303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com

Can’t Promote Your Best People? Here’s What to do Instead

The Promotion Squeeze: A common complaint I hear from leaders is that they can’t reward their best people with promotions, impacting their ability to retain the staff they most want to keep. Perhaps the organization is too small or too hierarchical, baby boomer workers are retiring later, or the budget doesn’t stretch that far. What I recommend is that they consider other rewards.

What Do People Value About Promotions? Promotions may be viewed as the only way to increase someone’s compensation, prestige, challenge or skills. One thing that’s important to learn is WHY your staff wants that next step up the ladder. Their reasons may not be what you think.

What Do They Really Want? Leaders assume that their people want promotions, yet there are many other factors that impact retention. Training and development opportunities, for example, count as one of the most significant perks in many surveys, especially for millennials. Read about these and other findings in the 2016 Deloitte Millennial Survey.

What Should You Do?

Ask, Ask, Ask: You may assume that you know someone wants a promotion or that you know why they want one, but your suppositions may be way off base. When you have development conversations with your people, ask general questions about their goals and objectives and the reasons behind their desires.

For example:

“Is there anything that I’m doing or not doing — or that anyone else is doing or not doing — that could help make you more successful?”

  “Where do you see yourself in a year, five years, and/or ten years in terms of your career?”

 “What kinds of benefits are most important to you?”

When you first start asking these questions, you may not receive much information, but if you keep asking every time you meet with them, you’ll eventually find out what they would like to do.

Frequently, leaders tell me that they don’t want to ask because the answers might raise someone’s expectations. Even if they request a perk that you know you have no power to grant, it’s important for you to understand what they want so that you can manage their expectations.

If they say that they want a promotion, find out why? Is it the money, perceived power, or experience? Perhaps you can match what you are able to offer to their real needs and interests.

Offer Training, Development and Lateral Moves:   Once you know what people want and why, you can match what you can offer to what they truly need and want. Offer training and development so they can work in another group, suggest they switch jobs so they can learn new skills, send them to conferences, classes or introduce them to a potential mentor for their long-term goals.

Teach New Skills and Mentor Them Yourself:  Study after study has found that employees value one-on- one time with their leaders. Even if what they want doesn’t correspond with your current department’s needs, offer to coach them in developing the skills for their future job. Explain what they’ll need to do to learn in grow in that area, offer books, degree suggestions or videos. Follow-up with potential ideas for how they can eventually move into the career they want. Your time and attention is a valuable commodity and reward.

Let Them Go:  At some point, you may find yourself mentoring someone into a new job with a different organization. This can be perceived as a loss but frequently is not. A former employee can be a valuable part of your network. They may go to work for a customer, return to your group when you have more positions to offer, or refer a great new hire. In my experience, investing in someone over the long term always pays off.

Want more ideas about how to retain your best people:

How to Keep the Ones You Love: The Number One Retention Strategy Attracting and Keeping the Best Employees: What Really Works

What Do You Think?

Have you observed behavior in yourself and others that seems completely out of character? Call or write us at:303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com

The #1 Reason Your People Erupt and What to do About It

The Eruption Problem: If you have been a leader for any length of time, you know the issue. You have a long-time staff person who has never caused you problems and all of a sudden they scream at a colleague. Or, perhaps you have a brilliant sales manager who can be charismatic and charming one minute and yelling at his team the next. What propels your people to behave in ways that disrupt and disturb your environment when you least expect it?

The Hot/Cold Response: What neuro-psychologists tell us is that almost all of us respond differently when we are in a “hot” state; when we have been triggered by an event, person or discussion. If we are in this mode, we react in ways we would never have imagined possible when we are in a “cold” state: when we are rational and calm. We become strangers to ourselves and others.

Of course, we all have different emotional set points, the level at which we may erupt or clam up varies from individual to individual, but almost all of us have our limits. At some point, we will freeze, lash out, or behave in some other way that feels bizarre to us and to those who know us well. For a detailed explanation of this phenomenon, go to NPR’s Hidden Brain, In The Heat Of The Moment: How Intense Emotions Transform Us.

Even if we are on a diet, for example, we may eat two pieces of cake when we are ravenous, despite our New Year’s resolution. When we are satisfied, we can’t imagine such behavior.

What Should You Do?

Don’t Dismiss The Power of Emotions to Transform Us: Understand the reality that – with a powerful enough stimulus – all of us can transform into beings we don’t recognize. We will yell, freeze or have unprotected sex, no matter how much we believe that such behaviors are inappropriate. Victims may not report sexual harassment, for example, if their fear of retaliation is strong enough, even if they are assertive in most situations. Leaders may snap at a direct report, even if they believe that managers should maintain a calm presence. Mothers may go on to have another child, once the pain of childbirth and sleep deprivation subsides, even if they swore that they never would.

Value Emotional Intelligence: With hiring, promotions, and other decisions about staff, value people who understand that emotions matter, their own and their employees. Encourage learning about the impact of emotions as much as you do technical skills. Don’t promote someone into managing people who has brilliant proficiencies, but no people skills and no interest in learning such competencies.

Provide Training: Help is out there. All the research shows that we can learn to master emotions, even powerful ones, through training, coaching, books and other learning methods. For more information on this topic, go to:

How Emotional Intelligence Assessments Can Help Leaders Change Do You Know the Most Important Quality for a Leader?

What Do You Think?

Have you observed behavior in yourself and others that seems completely out of character? Call or write us at:303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com

What’s the Best Way to Encourage Challenging Conversations? Look for Models

CHALLENGING CONVERSATIONS ABOUND: You may need to terminate an employee, give a workplace friend painful feedback, settle a dispute with an aggressive colleague or any number of additional tough conversations. Regardless, you need to constantly seek ways to improve your skills.

KEEPING THE FAITH: Whether you’ve had dozens or maybe it’s your first, one way to ensure these talks happen is to look for models of what others have managed to do.

MY FAVORITES: I talk often about famous models I’ve used to keep me inspired to resolve conflict: leaders like Martin Luther King, Mother Theresa and the like; people who had to forge a path where challenges abounded and they constantly needed to upend convention through tough dialogue. Yet my personal model for courage is my grandmother. Raised in the Basque provinces of Spain in a family of nine, she set sail on a steerage ship in the early part of the 1900’s, speaking neither Spanish nor English, but only Basque. She had grown up on a subsistence farm with little education and certainly no worldly experience. Her two sisters in Salt Lake City, who worked as maids in Basque boarding houses, summoned Isadora Ansotegui. Unfortunately, I don’t know how she found her way through Ellis Island, New York City and the trains across the country, but I’m sure she arrived exhausted and terrified. I can only imagine what courage the journey required.

What Should You Do?

TAKE HEART: Whether it’s your first challenging conversation or your hundredth, you will need a dose of courage before you begin. While I’ve written about other preparation tips, remembering your own models and heroines can help.

How to Tackle a Tough Conversation by Breaking it Down
A Systematic Approach to Creative Conflict
Have I Told You Lately That You Bug Me?

Even though I’ve frequently placed myself in risky or new situations, I can’t imagine anything I’ve done that has rivaled my grandmother’s leap of faith in setting out across oceans and continents with so little in the way of preparation, training or support. Yet sail and arrive and thrive she did. Remembering her, who am I to complain that I can’t rise to a challenging occasion?

MODEL FAMOUS PEOPLE AND MORE HUMBLE: Courage is everywhere if you look for it. Don’t just check the news or best-selling biographies but think of your own friends and relatives. Who do you admire for stepping up in challenging circumstances? Who can you remember as an image of grace under pressure? Who inspires you?

SHARE YOUR STORIES: A large key to leadership is the ability to inspire those who follow. While we may try to encourage those we lead with our vision or other abstractions, the ability to tell a relevant story works much more effectively.

What Do You Think?

Have you had experience with these kinds of situations? Call or write us at: 303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com

Want to Be a More Effective Leader? Learn How to Listen

The Power of Attention:  Everyone I know who has met former President Bill Clinton (including me), describes his power to make you feel as if you were the only person in the room. Regardless of our politics, most admire his ability to come from a humble background and rise to (and survive) in the highest office in the land. Pundits often point to his power to empathize and listen as one of his greatest strengths.

Who Paid Attention to You?  If you think back to mentors, leaders or teachers who changed your life, undoubtedly, they had the ability to listen to your hopes and fears. Have you been able to pass along this gift to those you lead or coach?

How Successful Leaders Lead:  Research suggests that when we are in conflict with someone we start feeling as if the other person is either uncaring or not very bright. With smart leaders, they assume that everyone else involved, regardless of background or title, is smart, caring and fully invested. When we come from that place, we fuel a better outcome. This mindset encourages parties in conflict to understand why others have differing views, which allows them to have constructive conversations.

What Should You Do?

Ask How or What:  Often described as asking open-ended questions or active listening, this technique is easy to describe but hard to implement consistently. Resist the urge to ask questions that can be answered with a “yes” or “no” and ask questions that require more information and opinions.

Listen to What’s Not Said:  Become aware of tone, body language and intensity. If someone’s voice drops at a certain point in the conversation, for example, you might let them know that you noticed that difference and ask them if they were feeling uncertain about their idea at that point. Ask “what are some of the strengths and weaknesses you see in that proposal?”

Become Comfortable with Silence:  Silence makes most people uncomfortable but if you are willing to wait for someone to answer a question or present an opinion, even the shyest person may eventually talk. Ask something open ended and then sit still and listen.

Resist Offering Unsolicited Advice:  We may love telling other people what to do but, in most situations, allowing them to come to their own conclusions is far more effective. Continue active listening until they do, unless they clearly ask for your opinion.

For more tips on listening, read these Monday Memos:
A Surefire Way to Get People to Get People to Listen
Leadership Communication: How Do You Rate?

What Do You Think?

Have you had experience with these kinds of situations? Call or write us at: 303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com

 Want to Avoid McDonald’s Fate? Here’s How

The New Reality:  In the face of #MeToo, Steve Easterbrook, the highly successful McDonald’s chief executive, became the latest casualty. He was abruptly fired last week over a consensual relationship with a subordinate that the board decided violated company policy. McDonald’s standard of business conduct prohibited employees with “a direct or indirect reporting relationship” from “dating or having a sexual relationship.” McDonald’s HR chief also left the company.

Unfortunately for the company, they lost a CEO who had been credited with boosting McDonald’s out of the doldrums.

Prohibiting Dating?  Ironically, many organizations prohibit these kinds of interests in their general conflict of interest policies, rather than prohibiting dating, because of the laws in many states that limit a company’s ability to prohibit conduct outside the workplace that is otherwise legal activity. These laws were originally passed by the cigarette lobby to discourage businesses from firing employees who smoked outside the workplace. Thus, for example, if you see an employee on the news marching in a KKK parade or a Gay Pride event, you can’t terminate or discipline them for that activity alone in states with these laws. McDonald’s may have had a more express policy prohibiting dating itself.

The Power Differential:  “It is not appropriate to show favoritism or make business decisions based on emotions or friendships rather than on the best interests of the company,” McDonald’s policy states. Such policies underline the reality that relationships that appear consensual may not be if the power difference discourages an employee from rebuffing advances. Many employees may feel that they must engage in a sexual relationship in order to keep their job. In addition, a relationship that ends badly may result in harassment or retaliation. I have mediated or investigated several claims involving just such situations.

A Trail of Exits:  Easterbrook is just the most recent CEO to be fired under these circumstances. Last year, Intel’s chief executive, Brian Krzanich, resigned after the company discovered that he’d had a relationship with an employee – a violation of Intel’s “nonfraternization policy” — which applies to all managers.

While #MeToo has had the greatest impact on such exits, other companies have had similar issues over the years. In 2012, for example, Best Buy’s chief executive, Brian Dunn, resigned after engaging in what the company described as “an extremely close personal relationship with a female employee.”

Similarly, in 2005, Boeing’s chief executive, Harry Stonecipher, was forced to resign after he had a relationship with an employee. In many organizations, policies that apply to mid-level managers may be less severe, allowing such relationships if they are reported.

What Should You Do?

Avoiding the PR Nightmare:  If you want to avoid the bad press, financial fallout and productivity loss from these kinds of events, make sure that you pay attention to common sense prevention measures.

Train Hard:  In most organizations, harassment training is mandatory. Many executives, however, manage to escape, resulting in poor leadership modeling, as well as a lack of understanding by these leaders. While they may think they know everything about the issue so that they have no need to attend, in my experience, that is not the case.

Emphasize the Power Differential:  In both your trainings as well as policy considerations, make sure that you emphasize power. What a leader perceives to be a harmless pass may be interpreted very differently by an employee. The person who is lower down on the food chain may not believe that they can say no. The exec assumes consent where there may be none. In addition, consent may change over time. A relationship that started out as consensual may devolve into harassment or retaliation down the line. Managers who engage in relationships with subordinates put themselves in vulnerable positions.

For more information on these issues go to:
Why #MeToo Won’t Die and What to Do
Do You Know How Leaders Should Lead Through Biden, the #MeToo Movement and all the Rest of the Noise?
Lean Back? Are Most Male Managers Now Afraid to Mentor Women?
What Does #MeToo Mean For You as a Leader

What Do You Think?

Have you had experience with these kinds of situations? Call or write us at: 303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com

 Want to Make Sure Your Feedback is Heard? Here’s How

Criticism That Stings:  We’ve all been there: received feedback that hurt or mystified. The other person may opine that they are trying to be helpful, constructive or direct, but we are left feeling deflated, angry or unsure of what they want.

What the Research Reveals:  As leaders, we may think we are being clear but psychological research shows the opposite: we are often too indirect and abstract. Most feedback is too general to be helpful.

 Common Mistakes:  In coaching leaders and conducting investigations, I find that vague feedback simply doesn’t land. A leader may say that an associate “doesn’t respect the group”, “communicates poorly” or “has a bad attitude”, but what do these terms mean?

My son, for example, is a talented musician and singer. (We’ve always insisted that he have a day job as well, just in case this whole rich and famous thing doesn’t work out.) In his most recent group, he was the front man, in a band they call Punk. (For the record, it doesn’t seem like punk to me; not like the Ramones were punk, more like screamo, but I digress.) He performs his Mick Jagger routine with style and verve, dancing and prancing like a seasoned rock star, while his Mom hides in the back to avoid embarrassing him. Trust me, the kid has attitude.

But, it’s probably not the attitude that you want rocking out in your workplace. So, if we’re trying to correct someone’s attitude, we have to be much more specific about what a good attitude looks like, as well as providing examples of a bad one.

What Should You Do?

Use Effective Feedback:  As research conducted at Harvard Business School and elsewhere has shown (Harvard Business Review, November-December 2019, Cracking the Code of Sustained Collaboration, feedback is most effective if it is direct, specific and applicable.

When you want someone to listen and be able to change:
1) be straightforward in how you address a person, don’t equivocate; 2) identify the particular behavior that worked (or didn’t); and 3) describe the impact of the behavior on you and others.

Avoid the Abstract and General:  Feedback is more effective if we are concrete and provide vivid images of goals. As yourself: “what am I trying to accomplish?” If the recipient can’t understand why the conversation is happening, they are unlikely to absorb the message and change their behavior. Craft your message to be clear, specific and include a purpose.

For example, don’t say: “Be more respectful of your teammates.” Say instead: “If you want help on an assignment, ask your group member if they have time to talk, whether they have the bandwidth to accomplish the project, and let them know why it’s important to the team’s goals.”

For more ideas on effective feedback, go to:

How to Give Your Team Feedback That Works
This Year, Resolve to Use Feedforward NOT Feedback
What Are the Two Things You Need to Make 360 Feedback Successful?

What Do You Think?
What makes feedback effective? Call or write us at: 303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com