We coached an attorney, Joe, who was a powerful partner in a major law firm. All of the associates and many of his partners were afraid of him. Yet, when we talked with Joe we sensed a great sadness. After many probing questions, he finally admitted: “None of the associates like me; they won’t even talk with me. They call me the ‘prince of f——darkness’!” This powerful person, like most of us, had a deep need to connect. For some reason, Joe had it wired that even arguments created some sort of attention and connection with people. He needed to learn another way: basically, being vulnerable and revealing his fears. Do you think this was easy for him? Of course not. He resisted and persisted in arguing that to do what we were asking would be tantamount to professional suicide. We are familiar with this fear. Again, it’s our animal brain taking over and telling us that to reveal the soft underbelly of our emotions would be to leave ourselves open to wounding. What these people don’t realize is that they already wound themselves in small ways every day by failing to connect with other people. They also injure their organizations by failing to harness the creative power of conflict because they simply run over the ideas of others or inhibit their co-workers from even offering a new suggestion.
We kept suggesting that Joe try responding our way by starting with small, perhaps unimportant interactions, and then notice what happens. Taking small risks and small steps is a good way to move along this path.
He did and was amazed at the results. Rifts with partners that went back years were healed. He learned to embrace conflict instead of attacking it. He was able to use his energy to work with others to manage his cases innovatively instead of spending his time in destructive disputes. He became a mentor to young attorneys at the firm. Rather than reducing his real power and strength, he increased his influence in ways Joe could not have imagined. This is the power of transforming conflict into energy.
