In our experience in trying to resolve workplace conflicts, people frequently focus on vague personality characteristics rather than on what they specifically want. Someone might insist, for example, that the other person is a rude jerk who shouldn’t be allowed to walk the planet and doesn’t respect him or her.
The problem with words like “respect” is that we all have different ideas about what we mean by respect. If I’m a person who just likes to come in, do my work as quickly and quietly as possible, and leave the office early, for example, I might not even notice if my co-workers acknowledge my presence
in the hallway. For some people, however, acknowledging their presence and making polite conversation is an essential part of their ability to work with other members of the team and to trust them. If you fail, on a regular basis, to say hello in the hall, they may see that as a deliberate snub.
A few years ago, we worked with a team with exactly this problem. A group of male utility construction workers kept clashing with their new manager, Rudy. When we asked them what they wanted, they said that Rudy didn’t like them. When we forced them to be specific, all they could come up with was that
he never said “hello” to them in the halls and that he was “stuck up.” When we brought him their request, he was floored! “That’s it?” Rudy couldn’t believe it. “What is this,” he fumed, “high school?”
You might as well assume that it is. As one of the characters — an elderly priest — in one of Graham Greene’s novels responded when he was asked what he had learned from a lifetime of hearing confessions, “I’ve learned that there are no real grown-ups.”
So, rather than making vague statements such as “I want you to respect me,” you need to make a specific request. You should ask for exactly the behavior that you want. Say, for example, “I want you to talk with me in a normal tone of voice, and I don’t want you to use obscenities when you talk to me,” or “I want you to focus on creatively solving our problems instead of constantly telling me why my ideas won’t work.”
When we’re focusing on behavior, we talk about things we can objectively see or hear rather than our conclusions, assumptions, or biases. These examples may help you understand:
Personality Behavior
| You’re not a good listener. | I need you to stop talking and listen. |
| You lack leadership ability. | I need you to make decisions faster. |
| You’re not a good choice for the job because you’re an introvert. | If you want to be considered for this position, you need to spend more time talking to the team members and getting to know them. |
| You’re lazy. | I need you to meet deadlines. |
| Your ideas are stupid. | Let’s brainstorm some ways we can create more innovation in our department. |
If the other person insists on using vague terms, telling you, for example that “you need to change your attitude,” ask them to explain exactly what they want. Ask what they mean by attitude. You might say: “When I hear people use the word ‘attitude,’ I know they mean many different things. When you say that I need to have a different attitude, can you give me an example of what specific behavior would indicate to you that I have a different attitude?” Our experience is that this kind of dialogue leads to creative conflict management.
