Do We Really Need to Revisit the Past to Go Forward?

 Do We Really Need to Revisit the Past to Go Forward?

Cleaning Up Issues:  Many times, when I’m coaching executives who are in conflict with someone else in their organization, they want to revisit the past in order to go forward and work successfully with that person or group in the future. My question always is: WHY?

The Myth of Venting:  I’m in favor of venting, if it’s to a trusted and confidential outside source, but I find that if it’s directed to a person with whom you are in conflict, venting rarely works. Instead, that move usually just re-opens old wounds and leads to new hurt feelings.

The Blame Game:  When someone tells me that they want to revisit the past, what they really mean is that they want to blame someone else for what went wrong. On the rare occasion that they want to apologize or acknowledge their own mistakes, I’ll support them in going forward, but otherwise, I advise against it. Read my Monday Memo What’s the Surprising and Most Effective Way to Resolve Conflict at Work?

Clearing Up Misunderstandings:  So many conflicts are simply misunderstandings that have been allowed to simmer. If your goal is to clear up these misperceptions, go ahead. What most people want to do instead, however, is beat up their opponent one more time by explaining how everything that happened was their fault. Most of the time, this move fails.

What Should You Do?

Apologize:  Even if you feel that you were only 1% at fault, own that bit and express a sincere regret. Take the high road. Ask if there is anything you need to do at this point, or going forward, to make amends.

Clear Up Misunderstandings:  Assume misunderstandings before you assume that someone else is out to get you.

State What You Learned:   Whatever went down before is history and there’s nothing you can do about it, but you CAN do something different in the future. Explain what you have learned and encourage the other person or group to also offer what they might do differently next time. Try to steer the conversation away from debate and blame. Read my Monday Memo Are You Using Debate or Dialogue? Does it Matter?