Does Your Intention Matter?

Does Your Intention Matter?

The Intention Excuse:  When I am conducting an investigation, coaching an executive, or using any other intervention for a leader accused of harassment, discrimination, condescending behavior or just “poor people skills”, they almost always intone that they didn’t intend to harm or offend anyone. As regular readers know, I’m not a fan of pseudo-apologies with the explanation that the transgressor didn’t intend to offend anyone.

These kinds of accounts tend to put the blame on the person who is offended, as if their sensibilities have created the problem, not the disrespectful behavior of the actor. Will this excuse fly as a matter of law, the organization’s policy, or values? Will the words soothe the feelings of the recipient of the behavior?

Why We Don’t Care About Intention:   I like to use a car crash analogy to explain why intention fails. Imagine that we work together. I’m following you in your brand-new dream car, along your normal route to work. As usual, while I’m zooming along in my Subaru (I’m a skier who lives in Boulder so of course I drive a Subaru), I’m inhaling a cup of joe, listening to Dire Straits, Brothers in Arms and not paying much attention to the road ahead. When there’s a bottleneck on your commute, you – a careful driver – slow down. The inattentive driver behind you (that would be me), fails to do so, rear-ending your sparkling-new car. Sadly, when you rear end someone these days you frequently cause $5,000 worth of damage, not $500. I leap out of the car, run around to apologize, and realize that I work with you.

“Oh no” I moan, “I had no intention of smashing into you on our way to work this morning.”

Do you care about my intention? Most likely not… because your innocent car is still murdered, and you may even erupt with a few bad words. The impact is the same, regardless of intention.

The Same is True for Disrespectful Behavior: When the law, your organization’s policy and values, or the recipient of your behavior considers your disrespectful actions, they will come to the same conclusion. Your intention doesn’t matter; what they care about is the impact of your actions. That’s not to say that a sincere and skillful apology might not be appropriate in some situations, but the impact remains.

For more information about how to deal with the less desirable behaviors you may encounter with leaders and co-workers, read these helpful tips:

One-on-One Sensitivity Training: What to do When a Leader Doesn’t Behave Well

Do You Know Why Condescending and Demeaning Behavior Continues and What You Should Do?

Harassment Prevention: Is it the Individual or the Culture? Does One-on-One Sensitivity Training Work?

What is Condescending or Demeaning Behavior and Why You Should Care

Why You Need One-on-One Sensitivity Training and Performance Management Training

Curing Condescension: Why Leaders Should Never Ask Why!

What Should You Do?

Do the Right Thing: Make sure that your behavior is appropriate and respectful under the law, your organization’s policies and values. If you’re not sure, don’t. If you have questions, seek internal or external coaching.

Take All Opportunities for Education: As the rubric goes: the soft stuff is the hard stuff. Seek continual learning about skillful and appropriate workplace communication, conflict management, diversity and inclusion. Just as you continue to learn about the newest computer program, accounting rules or legal updates, learn what behavior and speech works in your organization.

Seek Feedback: Ask for feedback and listen to what others say about how and when you communicate. In addition to quizzing your boss, ask your peers, who may be more able to be more open and frank with you than your subordinates.

Apologize, If Appropriate:  Most likely, this will not mean focusing on the recipient’s sensitivity. In addition, in some situations, apologies may not be acceptable at all, because having any contact with the victim may cause further harm. Seek guidance on this from the appropriate authority.

What Do You Think?

What are the most effective workplace conversations you’ve experienced or witnessed? Call or write us at: 303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com