How to Handle Zoom and Road Ragers: Managing Anger at Work

How to Handle Zoom and Road Ragers: managing Anger at Work 

ANGER NOW:   People are peevish now, no question. Even if you are toiling in your own cave at home, the ragers in your group still find ways to assault you over Zoom, email, or other technologies.

If you are in the real world with them, anything may set the erupters off: the copier isn’t working, someone forgot to make coffee, their presentation disappeared into cyberspace, they don’t like the way you breathe. Whatever it is, they fuss, fume, and scream at routine daily annoyances that the rest of us grin and bear.

WHY DO THEY DO THAT?   When people are angry about everything, the critical common denominator is them. They mistakenly think anger is empowering and rage is a way of being assertive. Not true. When someone is constantly irritated, they are assuming the “poor me” victim role, the weakest posture they can take. Their underlying emotion may be fear, hurt, frustration or a combination of the three. Anger may also mask depression.

WHAT IF YOU ARE THE RAGER?  No question, many of us are having trouble managing our own anger right now. How should we deal with this? I have coached executives, for example, who believe that it is healthy to express their anger in the moment, that suppressing their rage may hurt their health or psyche and that those they lead should not be so sensitive or should just: “deal with it, because it’s who I am!”

The research, however, does not generally support this view. While expressing anger may feel good to the rager in the moment, they later feel shame, guilt, and remorse. In addition, eruptions may have long-term health consequences, including high blood pressure, diabetes and more. Read this Anger Management Help Guide for anger management tips.

What Should You Do?

REFUSE TO TOLERATE ABUSE: While you can have compassion for the co-worker who is expressing anger inappropriately, you should never tolerate abuse. Walk away, complain to your boss (or your boss’s boss), or HR.

DOCUMENT: And document, document, document. Just be sure you document behavior; specifically what they say or do – not your conclusions, assumptions, or biases about the person’s behavior.

SPEAKING UP: While you don’t have to confront the rager, and should not do so if you feel unsafe, use a format such as this if you do:

You did ______.

(Describe specifically what the person said or did.)

When I objected to your behavior, you ignored me.

(Or yelled or whatever; describe what the person did or said.)

I care about you and support you and I wish you success in our workplace, but if we’re going to work together you need to treat me and other members of our team with respect.

(Set a boundary with the abuser.)

You hurt me (or them) when you said or did ____. It also resulted in us missing a key deadline because Mary was so upset by your outburst that she had to go home and our assignment wasn’t completed.

(Describe the behavior and the result of that behavior upon yourself, your colleagues, and the work itself.)

I would hope that this is something that you’re not proud about. If you want to continue to stomp around with a frown on your face, go ahead, but you’re going to do it without us.(Outline consequences of repeating the behavior.)

I respect your work and I want to have a good working relationship with you, but peace at any price is no peace at all. You owe me and the team an apology. I intend to give you the benefit of the doubt and move past this, but we’ve had our last heated argument and I’ve taken my last bit of disrespect from you. (Add a specific request and repeat that you will not tolerate the behavior and the consequence if it continues.)

Above all, communicate these messages in person (safely distanced), over video conference or on the phone. Email or messaging just exacerbates the problem.

UNDERSTANDING HELPS:  If we take the time to understand why someone behaves this way, we are more grounded in our thinking brain, rather than our hidden or unconscious brain, and these sorts of boundary- setting conversations become more useful.

AND WHAT SHOULD RAGERS DO?  If you are a rager, you need to deal with it, for your sake, as well as the sake of your team, and your other work and personal relationships. Get help from a coach, a therapist, or your priest, but do learn to express anger in healthier and more skillful ways. Here’s a useful guide for managing anger.

What Do You Think?

How do you and your team manage anger at work? Call or write us: 303-216-1020 or email: Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com