Newsletter – What Do People Mean When They Say “I Agree”?

What Do People Mean When They Say “I Agree”?

Leaders are frequently frustrated by conflicts that keep erupting, even when they are sure they have been resolved. You spend hours working with groups who are negotiating some thorny issue and give a sigh of relief when they finally all declare that they “agree” to a solution.

But what if their interpretation of what they mean by asserting “I agree” is different from what you think they mean? They may, for example, simply be agreeing to anything in order to just get out of the room or off a long phone call. Their statement of “I agree” could simply mean that they are sick of the discussion and will say anything to escape.

“…enthusiastic endorsement of the project may be essential, and you may have no idea whether you have that support or not.“

Likewise, saying “I agree” could mean that they enthusiastically endorse the proposal and will do anything to advance the cause, or it could mean that they don’t really like the proposal but won’t veto the result.

I once coached an executive, for example, who responded “okay” to most of my feedback. I danced along assuming that he admired my wisdom and suggestions, happy that my coaching was being appreciated. It took me some time to realize that to him, saying “okay” simply meant that he heard me, not that he was necessarily going to heed my advice.

Depending upon the issue, enthusiastic endorsement of the project may be essential, and you may have no idea whether you have that support or not.

What Should You Do?

I like to use a large version of this tool that we hang on the wall. The group then uses individual sticky notes to show where they fall in the discussion. Options range from enthusiastic endorsement to expressing a personal – rather than an organizational – objection to some plan, to outright veto. With this graphic representation, you can assess whether you have the support you need to proceed.

Some projects require a total buy-in of the group, for example, while with others, a simple majority vote is enough. Allowing participants to mark where they fall along that continuum allows more people to express what might be an unpopular opinion, even though they wouldn’t want to state their concerns out loud in front of the entire group.