Three Ways to Deal with Angry People!

Three Ways to Deal with Angry People!

Anger on the Rise.  People are snappish these days: dealing with the Coronavirus, the stock market slide and normal Monday madness. As a leader or an associate, you may have your hands full trying to cool the flames of workplace upsets.

Should We Ban Anger? You may be tempted to ban anger, to require everyone to ‘play well together’, in calm, respectful voices. As a workshop leader who teaches a lot of classes on civility and respect, I understand the urge. Yet the psychologists and social scientists who study anger caution otherwise. Decades of research and historical study show that anger is normal in almost all humans, in fact, studies show that most people are mildly to moderately angry anywhere from several times a day to several times a week. And, researchers have found, if handled correctly, anger can lead to an appropriate expression of grievances, increased listening, and beneficial change.

But Watch for Unfairness; it Leads to Revenge. Simply becoming angry doesn’t prompt a revenge impulse, argues Thomas Tripp, a professor of management and operations at Washington State University who has studied how revenge can affect the workplace. Tripp has found that revenge is much more common if there is “a sense that the fairness of institutions, what we call procedural justice, has broken down.” For example, when laid-off workers believed firings were handled fairly-that a process was adhered to, that seniority was respected, that worker evaluations were properly considered-they were less likely to protest or complain, even if they disagreed with the outcome.

Alternately, if workers believed that managers were playing favorites or manipulating the rule book, sabotage was more likely. “Think about presidential elections,” Tripp said. “Every four years, roughly half the nation is deeply disappointed. So why don’t they get out their pitchforks? Because as long as they believe it was a fair fight, they tolerate losing. But when both the process and the outcome seem unfair, that’s when we see riots.”

What Should You Do?

1. Seek First to Understand. As outlined above, everyone gets angry sometimes and anger can be channeled and appropriate. The first step is to understand why someone fusses, fumes or screams, especially if they do so at daily annoyances that the rest of us grin and bear. Is it a sense of unfairness or injustice? Or, they may also think that anger is empowering, and rage is a way of being assertive, even though when someone is constantly angry, they are assuming the “poor me” victim role. In most cases, anger is nothing more than an outward manifestation of a different underlying emotion: fear, hurt, frustration or a combination. Anger may also mask depression. So, the first step is to try and understand why your colleague is angry and treat them with compassion.
2. Set Appropriate Boundaries. Just because you’re trying to understand someone doesn’t mean that you should ever take abuse. If someone is truly abusive (not just expressing everyday anger), walk away; complain to your boss (or your boss’s boss) or HR; and document, document, document. Just be sure that you document behavior – specifically what they say or do – not your conclusions, assumptions, or biases about the person’s behavior. And if someone is exhibiting the warning signs of violence – run, don’t just walk, away.  Read more about violence in the workplace.
3. Confronting an Angry Person. Some ragers are like balloons full of hot air, you can just let them talk, talk, talk and eventually, they’ll run out of steam, calm down, and the balloon will fizzle. Otherwise, you need to confront the person with some version of the following:

“You did ___________” (Describe the behavior, what the person did or said.)

“When I objected to your behavior, you ignored me.” (Or yelled, and so on; describe what the person did or said.)

“I care about you and support you and I wish you success in our workplace but if we’re going to work together, you need to treat me and the other members of our team with respect.” (Set a boundary for the rager.)

“You hurt me (or them) when you said or did ______. It also resulted in us missing a deadline because Mary was so upset by your outburst that she had to go home and our assignment wasn’t completed.” (Describe the behavior and the effect of that behavior upon yourself, your colleagues, and the work itself.)

“I would hope this is something you’re not proud of. If you want to continue to stomp around with a frown on your face go ahead, but we’re going to work without you. (Outline consequences of repeating the behavior.)

“I respect your work and I want to have a good working relationship with you, but peace at any price is not peace at all. You owe me and the team an apology. I intend to give you the benefit of the doubt and move past this, but we’ve had our last heated argument and I’ve taken my last bit of abuse from you.” (Add a specific request and repeat that you won’t tolerate the behavior.)

Of course, this conversation must, must, must take place in person, not over email or text!

For more tips on dealing with anger in yourself and others, go to:
The Best Four Steps to Reduce Your Own Anger
Want Someone to Really Change? Don’t Scream

What Do You Think?

What tips do you have for dealing with angry co-workers? What’s worked or not worked? Call or write us at:  303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com\