What’s the One Thing That Successful Leaders Never Do?

 What’s the One Thing That Successful Leaders Never Do?

In a word: triangulate. What is triangulation? Basically, when we know we have a conflict with one person, yet we whine to someone else, usually someone who has no power to change the situation.

Why do people triangulate? The answer is POWER. The person in your group who refuses to speak with you directly does so because they don’t perceive that they have the power. Their perception may be incorrect, but it takes some kind of power – either because you’re a member of the dominant group, have your own sense of personal self-confidence, are viewed as a superstar, or some other reason – to give you the confidence to speak with someone directly.

Why do triangles persist? Frequently, because they are stable. If people deal with conflict directly, yet lack a creative approach, the relationship may become too intense and perish. With a triangle, the third leg creates stability. The three can endlessly circle around each other. Psychologists tell us that we bring third parties into a relationship to lower the intensity of a two-person relationship.

Successful leaders deal with conflict directly. They realize that indirect communication almost always swirls around to the target and doesn’t help resolve the problem. Only the person with the power to control the issue can do so.

What Should You Do?

If you’re a leader who triangulates:  Realize that your staff and other leaders know that you use this method. Closed door meetings, secret conferences, gossip that travels, the coconut telegraph in most workplaces works well and no one likes hearing about something that a leader said from a third party. What you need to do is to develop courage and realize that this technique is not effective.

If you lead someone who triangulates:  Realize that your staff speaks to others because they don’t believe they have the power to speak with you directly. You need to speak with the offenders and name the game. Speak with each person individually and advise them that you know they’ve been speaking with Sue instead of with you. Ask: “what can I do to make it easier for you to come to me directly?” When you address your entire staff, advise them that you don’t believe gossip is productive and you expect them to learn direct communication skills.

For more tips on resolving conflict skillfully, go to:

What Are the Two Most Important Skills Leaders Need to Resolve Conflict? Stop Escalating Conflict With This Quick Step