Who Do You Love? Friendship 101 for Leaders

Who Do You Love? Friendship 101 for Leaders

The Friendship Trap: Many executives and managers have boasted to me that they are friends “with everyone” on their staff. When I hear this, I’m wary. My experience is that few are capable of “friending” equally. When I quiz them about the time they spend socializing or just talking with each staff member, the numbers tell a different story.

Employee Perception of Fairness: In many ways, most workplaces may not have evolved past a fourth-grade level. One of my favorite quotes is from the novelist Andrew M. Greeley. In one of his books, he has a character who is speaking with an elderly priest. The character asks: “Father, what have you learned from forty years of hearing confession.” The priest replies: “I’ve learned that there are very few grownups!”

After many years of toiling in the trenches of workplace woes: sorting out conflicts, coaching managers, and conducting investigations, I’m inclined to agree.

Just as your kids are likely to whine that what you’re doing isn’t fair — that you are preferring their sibling over them — employees tend to closely follow who their managers or execs seem to prefer. If they believe that someone else is receiving more invitations to your family barbecues, long lunches or after-work beers, you are in trouble. Even how much time you spend talking to one staffer in the hallway or laughing after a meeting catches their eye.

Common Interests: It is human nature to prefer one person over the other. Anthropologists tell us that it’s tribal: we all tend to recognize kindred spirits. And, we all enjoy hanging out with those who share our interests. Yet as leaders, you need to resist this impulse.

The Consequences of Unequal Friendship: In addition to perceptions about fairness, I have had leaders who were accused of harassment and discrimination because someone felt their boss played favorites. An innocent relationship with your workplace pet may look different from the eyes of those not directly involved in the situation.

What Should You Do?

Resist the Urge To Merge: When you find yourself more drawn to one of your employees than to others, think before you act. Just because they attend the same church, follow the same sports team, or have kids the same age doesn’t mean that you should pursue those interests to the exclusion of spending time with others. Instead, try to develop rapport with all your direct reports. If you dig, you will find common ground with almost anyone; even someone you perceive to be different from you may have surprising similarities if you take the time to explore. 

Watch After Work Events and Excess Gabbing: Even if you are sure that someone could become your new best friend, ski buddy or tennis partner, think twice about pursuing that relationship, unless you can find a way to include all your direct reports in the activity. Similarly, limit after work or lunch events to those where you can include the entire group or rotate scrupulously through the roster of your staff when you hand out invites.

Develop Good Friends Outside of Work: Everyone needs support and leaders are no exception. Many of those I have coached who have been perceived to play favorites, tell me that their best friends are at work. Yet when something goes south in the office, allegiances can change in sticky ways. Your former friend may end up on the opposite side of a dispute, leaving you lonely, confused and isolated from your former confidante. Find someone else to talk with: your best friend from college, a therapist, priest or your book group.

For more on how to be perceived as a fair and consistent boss, go to:
Managing Former Peers: The Do’s and Don’ts
Do You Treat People Consistently or Equally? 
Want to Improve the Bottom Line and Create Better Leaders? Try Civility
Do You Know the Most Important Quality for a Leader?

What Do You Think?

Do you perceive your manager or executive to be fair? Are you perceived fairly by your staff? Call or write us at: 303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com